The Long Challenging Road

Nothing exciting going on

2008-08-20T23:01:00.003-04:00

I realized I had not posted anything in a while today. Nothing much is going on here. DH went to the UK for a while and left me and the dog here to fend for ourselves. Having been with DH for almost 7 years, I had forgotten what it is like to not have to run the dishwasher everyday and how neat things are without a 6'4" man around. :-)

Luckily, DH is completely healed from his surgery and feeling in peak TTC mode.

I'll post more later.... some guilty pleasures and some annoyances I have been thinking about.

2:23:24

2008-08-02T22:06:00.003-04:00

That's right, last Sunday... I beat my goal of finishing my first half marathon in under 2hr 30min. 2:23:24... that is an average of under 11 minute per mile for over 13 miles. I am very pleased with my results and can't wait to do another one. I'm already thinking that my next goal is to come in under 2hr 15min.

Other things in my world...

DH had his varicocele repair surgery on Wednesday. He had more than expected veins in his testicles, his urologist (who I met for the first time after the surgery and he was very hot) said that he will be really sore, bruised and swollen for about a week. Well, let me just tell you, his testicles are outragously big and purple/black. Not pretty on my pale Englishman.
On Monday, I treated myself to a deep tissue body massage to work out all the knots from running and my massage therapist left bruises on my bum and back. It was sore for a day then all my muscles felt fabulous.
I have decided to start back with my personal trainer in addition to the continued running training.
BIG news... I booked a trip to go to Peru with some girlfriends the first week of November. We are going to hike the Inca Trail to Machu Picchu. I can't wait.

That's all for now... I need to get some sleep as I am getting up really early to do an 8 mile run.

AF arrives and other negativity

2008-07-20T23:56:00.006-04:00

AF arrived today almost on schedule. I'm usually a short cycle of about 21-23 days but I'm happy that last cycle went a full 24 days. I was watching the calendar as usual as we tried the old fashion way this cycle but I wasn't expecting much.

I was catching up on reading blogs today and its realized that although I have all crazy emotions and feeling of loneliness that other IFers also have these feelings. Lately, I have been very lonely and drepressed about my childless situation. My life has been very boring since I changed jobs which has not helped my situation. Everyone I work with has kids and rush home. I don't blame them but I miss working with gay men (like at my previous job), they are so much more fun. I have realized that I don't do bored well... I have been grumpy for weeks now and I'm surprised that DH has so much patience with me. Is there something wrong with me? I just feel like something really bad is about to happen.

I'm going to stop now, I've gotten myself into a dark place. Sorry for the depressing post. It's just where I'm at right now.

It's been a long time

2008-07-12T07:25:00.003-04:00

As I was sitting down in front of the computer while I'm waiting on my decaf coffee (still off caffeine) to brew, I thought ' I have really been neglecting my blog'. So, here I am after logging on and I can't believe that it has been over a month since my last post. So much has happened, mostly a lot of folks are now pregnant. I am super happy for those folks as it has taken them so long to get there.

DH and I are still TTC but only the au naturale method, which has about .01 percent chance of working with us but hey, we are enjoying it. He has surgery scheduled for the end of July to fix some varicocele which were found during a complete check of his boy parts. After he has healed a bit, then he is going back to the UK for a few weeks to visit with his family. He has two new little nieces that he hasn't met and his nephew is now about 1.5 years old and he hasn't seen him since he was about 5 months old. His nieces have just come home from hospital as they were born at 27 weeks and as you can imagine were super tiny and not able to breathe on their own. One of them is doing well but the other is still on an oxygen tank and will need it for about a year. I would love to go over and see all my in-laws but I don't think I am going to make it over this trip.

As for me, I'm still training for the half marathon that is now only a few weeks away. I think I am ready. I have been running in almost every organized race in Central Park for the last few months. We have become addicted to running and the changes to my body are very nice. I ran 20 miles last week and all I can think of is beating that number. I am a bit competitive. DH and I are planning to do a few more half marathons this year, one is in Las Vegas in December. I can't wait for that one, it will be incredible to run down the strip.

Of course, I would put all the racing aside if I was able to successfully get pregnant. My current clinic strongly encourages you not to over exert yourself while stimming but I think my running is helping me not hurting my fertility. There are so many different opinions regarding athletic training during infertility treatment and pregnancy so I will do what is comfortable for me and hope for the best. What more can I do?! We are talking about trying another IVF cycle in September/October.

Nothing really exciting to report from here. Mostly all I do these days is work, run and sleep. I am completely bored most of the time. Hopefully, something exciting will happen soon so I'll have something interesting to post.

I'm back... kind of...

2008-06-03T18:39:00.002-04:00

This is the longest I have been away from my blog since I first started it. Honestly, I have been avoiding it for many reasons. I have been trying to get my non-IF life back. I have spent so much of myself trying to get pregnant, I had forgotten so much of myself existed. I think everyone who has dealt with IF can relate to that statement. IF changes you.

What have I been up to?
1. Started my new job. I'm still trying to decide what I think of it after 6 weeks. The people are completely different than the last investment bank I worked at. Much older staff and just about everyone is married and has a family.
2. Lost 7 lbs. I am training for a half marathon on July 29 that runs through the streets of Manhattan. I'm up to running 5 miles every other day but I've got to increase that mileage tonight. Going up to 6 miles, and on Thursday night I'm doing interval speed training. I really want to run this race in a decent time. Unfortunately, DH didn't get selected for the race but he has promised to continue to train with me. Training has been taking up the most amount of my time lately but I am really loving it and I feel great.
3. Hanging out with friends and laughing. I feel like I have not laughed in 2 years as much as I have in the past month. There has also been some teary moments, one of my best friends, R, (previously referred to as Bridezilla) told me she was 3 weeks pregnant after only trying for a couple of months. I cried myself to sleep the night she told me. Some things come so easily to people and they don't have a clue. But overall, I have been pretty happy.
4. Having sex with DH because we want to and not because the fertility monitor tells us I might be fertile. I am not going to say too much on this subject except that it has been fabulous. ;-)

I can't think of much more that has been going on here. I am going to check out everyone's blog later tonight after my run. I know there has been some good news and some sadness. I am sorry that I have not been checking in and offering my support to everyone as these folks have been very supportive of me in the past.

AF finally arrived

2008-05-01T22:53:00.002-04:00

AF arrived this morning but it is not a normal AF. I'm not cramping and the flow is very abnormal. I did POAS again yesterday morning and it was negative, not a surprise as I had expected as much.

I still think my reproductive system hates me and needs a bit of a break. We are taking at least one cycle off. It seems that my new company will not be as flexible with time off for procedures but I have only been there a few days so I'm still accessing the situation.

I don't have much else to write about today.

Where is AF?

2008-04-29T19:39:00.005-04:00

Ugh. AF has not arrived yet and I am starting to get worried. It is unusual for me to be late. Unfortuately, I haven't had a chance to go for a beta as I just started a new job on Monday and can't risk being late. I feel AF crampy first thing in the mornings and then nothing the rest of the day.

I am going to POAS tomorrow morning but I am 99% sure it will only have one line. I am now getting concerned as to what is going on in there.

My reproductive system hates me.

IUI #5 - BFN

2008-04-27T20:51:00.004-04:00

POAS yesterday and got a BFN at 12 dpiui. I am not surprised and did not even get upset about it. I expected it as I am feeling AF crampy.

We are going to take a cycle off to rest (which is only 24 days) and for me to settle into my new job.

I had a beer tonight and it was fabulous.

Changes

2008-04-24T20:59:00.003-04:00

A few changes have happened since my last post. I am currently unemployed.... by my choice. I resigned a while back as I had an amazing offer from another banking institution which I happily accepted. I am on a week break from being employed and thought DH and I would go camping and lay low but that was not how the karma gods had it planned. DH came down with a horrible stomach flu which has lasted since Sunday night. It started with vomiting and changed exit strategies on Monday. He has not been able to keep anything in his system at all. We decided to go camping yesterday as he was feeling a bit better... bad idea. We came home this morning and he went to the dr (finally). Oh yeah and we don't have medical insurance right now since I don't start my new job until Monday.

Anyway, this is my way to venting that what was suppose to be a slow paced relaxed week off has not turned out the way I had wanted or planned. At least the weather has been spectacular.

Fingers crossed that DH's medicines will work and he will be able to keep food inside. He has lost over 5lbs since Sunday.

No news on the 2WW. No symptoms. No AF. Nothing

IUI complete - 2ww

2008-04-15T22:19:00.002-04:00

IUI was completed yesterday morning and now we are supplimenting with the natural method.

I'm really feeling beaten and battered.

Update: no IVF

2008-04-12T19:29:00.003-04:00

Dr called and based on the monitoring results today, they will NOT go to ER with only one viable follie.

Offically converted to IUI. Triggering tonight and going for IUI on Monday.

I am very disappointed and sad.

When is it going to be my turn?

Monitoring differences

2008-04-12T10:26:00.002-04:00

This mornings monitoring was completely different from yesterday. The dr today said there were only two follies and the sizes were off as well. One was 23 and the other was 15.5 (smaller than yesterday?) but I know that the measurements are somewhat subjective. If todays measurements are correct I may only have one mature egg.

This sucks.

Suprise... maybe 3

2008-04-11T22:36:00.003-04:00

I was pretty down yesterday about only 2 follies but had the entire day and night to come to terms with going to ER anyway. Well, this morning I went in for monitoring and another follie on my right went from 9 to 15.5 in one day. I was pleasantly shocked. The largest is now at 20mm on my left ovary and they want me to do stims one more day, the other follie is about 17mm. So I'm going back again tomorrow morning for b/w and u/s. Will most likely trigger tomorrow night and ER will be on Monday.

What a roller coaster ride these last couple of days have been? I'm ready to get off this ride and go to ER.

Thanks to everyone who responded to my last post and letting me know that I am not completely crazy. You all make me feel so much better.

Only 2

2008-04-10T18:50:00.006-04:00

Yes, I will only have two mature follies by ER. Some people may think that I am crazy but I am going foward with ER and hopefully ET. I have one more day of injectible stims and I go back again tomorrow for b/w and u/s. Most likely, I will do hcg shot tomorrow night and ER on Sunday.

I did get to see my RE today as he was doing monitoring rounds at the clinic this morning. He asked if I wanted to go through with only two follicles and I said yes. He smiled and said ok.

I am obsessing that I am crazy to go through all the effort of ER with only two follies but what do I have to lose? Sure I will lose some $$ but not that much as my insurance pays for most procedures but we will still end up paying about $4k total. My problem is that I will reget not trying if I don't go through with it and convert to IUI. I don't want any regrets.

Am I crazy? Anyone ever heard of someone getting pregnant after only having 2 follies during IVF?

Almost there

2008-04-09T19:06:00.003-04:00

I have been on injectible stims now for 6 days and hopefully when I go to clinic tomorrow morning I will get the clearance for trigger shot. I have felt fine until yesterday. I've now had a headache for 2 days and I started having left ovary pains today. Weird as I have never had either of those before. I'm going to try and do some yoga instead of doing my hour of cardio tonight.

My follie check yesterday was OK, I have 2 that are 14 and 11 and about 2-3 more that are around 9. Those other 2-3 hopefully are growing and will be mature by ER. If all goes well, I may go for ER Saturday or Sunday. If that is what the timeline is going to look like I will hopefully go for ET next Tuesday or Wednesday.

I'm a bit nervous about ER/ET because I have been busy and didn't slow down my activities this cycle so it's all starting to hit me at once. I hate getting put to sleep... absolutely positively hate it.

Thanks to everyone who has been checking in on me and I apologize for not posting more often. I promise to post tomorrow and give an update.

Tired and chafed

2008-04-03T21:32:00.002-04:00

Going to the gym every night this week has caught up with me, my body is tired. Now, it is also chafed from my work out. Unfortunately, the lining of my workout pants rubbed my upper inner thighs until it is red and irritated.

Three days of clomid down and tomorrow I get more clomid and 450 Follistim and 2 vials of menopur.

Sorry for the short post but I am off to bed......more tomorrow.

Here we go...

2008-04-01T20:37:00.004-04:00

AF arrived yesterday and I was at clinic bright and early this morning for b/w and u/s. I have been cleared for this cycle and just took my first two clomid tablets. This is happening right now. I am taking clomid for a few days and then I add in injectibles. It is going to be interesting.

I am praying for many follies. The most I have ever produced in one cycle is 4, so my goal is 4 (more is also acceptable). I'm trying not to build up my expectations but it's hard not too.

Weirdly, I still have the remnants of two follies from a previous cycle. The dr said it was fine but I've never had that before. Why didn't it go away? And where did two come from as my last IVF attempt which converted to IUI was two cycles ago and one follie was on the left side? Hmmm. just go away and give some space up for other follies.

Ok, I have been watching the Biggest Loser while typing this post and I have been sucked in. I need a vacation to Australia.

I'm back...

2008-03-30T17:17:00.002-04:00

I can't believe that it has been so long since I posted anything. So much as happened in blogland since my hiatus. I have been reading folks blogs but have not been leaving many comments.

Good news. All the in-laws have left town and DH and I have our apt back!! It was exhausting having folks here for so long. Now for a little rant... The aunt and uncle who stayed the longest is the ones I knew the least and well, let's just say that I know them well now. And I hope I never have to spend that much time alone with them again. Since DH worked alot of their stay, I was left alone with them all the time. They talked and talked and talked and never really said anything. And being Brits they drank about ten cups a tea a day and never used the same mug?! Ugh... how wasteful to just stick mugs in the dishwasher instead of reusing a mug? The real kicker was that they would get up in the middle of the night to pee and would not flush the toilet, disgusting as all the tea they were drinking made their pee smell really strong and made the hallway smell. Disgusting!

I'm also still working on me. I went to the spa last Friday for a massage, mani and pedi at a famous Manhattan spa. Unfortunately, I was unimpressed. It was OK, the real pain in the ass was when I was getting my pedi, a 8.5 month pregnant woman came in for her appt and sat right next to me. And then when I was getting my mani and letting my nails dry, I was asked to move so that preggie woman could have my seat even though my nails were still dry. Just freaking great, I went back to the changing room and went into the toilet area and shed a few tears. I know they had no idea that asking me to move would upset me but it didn't help with my feelings of being an inadequate woman because I can't seem to get pregnant. Anyway, it just wasn't a relaxing experience at all.

DH has been a bit stressed lately so I made an appt for him at my favorite local spa for a massage. I haven't had a massage at the local spa only facials so he is going to report back and I might schedule one for next weekend as I am scheduled to start my next IVF attempt this coming week.

And now to IF treatments. I have not really even thought of them until late last week when I realized that AF is suppose to come this weekend and I had not received my meds. My protocal is different this round and I am going to start off with clomid to recruit follies and then switch to injectibles. I made a decision to do things differently this cycle, I've been going to the acupuncturist once a week, taking my chinese herbs and doing an hour of cardio almost every day. Usually when I start stimming, I stop exercising but not this time. I'm also doing chefs diet which is going to deliver freshly made meals every morning for the next week. This will help me stabilize my blood sugar which is key to growing quality eggs. Hopefully all of this will help me grow more follies than last time and good quality.

Today was CD 24 so AF should have arrived, I am hoping it arrives soon as I want to start this cycle so that I can plan work around the time estimates of ER and ET because of the best news in the last few weeks.... I got the job I was interviewing for!!! I officially accepted last thursday and my start date is 28 April.

I hope everyone is doing well.

Break between guests

2008-03-19T21:54:00.008-04:00

DH and I had a two day break between house guests. It was too short. Tomorrow the next set of house guests arrive and I am just wanting a few more days of peace and quiet. Am I a bad person? I promise I am not but I want to come home from work and put on my PJs and lay on the sofa sometimes during the week and I haven't been able to do that.

Today was a good day, I had a second interview at another bank and I think I will get an offer for the job in the next few days. If so, I will take it, if the money is right of course. I will need to schedule the start date after I finish my next IVF cycle but that shouldn't be an issue.

Not so good news... My BIL's wife who is pregnant with twins has been hospitalized for 2 weeks with bleeding. She is between 5 - 6 months along. They keep rushing her to delivery room and then taking her back to a room. BIL is stressed with all of the worry and also trying to take care of the 1 year old son.... And their son has started acting out as he misses his mum. It's a really tough time for them. I wish we lived closer so we could help with their son. I am hoping everything works out for the twins as they are really struggling.

I hate to end on a down note but I don't have much to write about.... besides I'm dreading the upcoming week of house guests.

A long 3 weeks

2008-03-11T20:41:00.004-04:00

Today is the first day of three weeks of DH's family visiting. Two different sets are staying with us in our cozy 2 bed/2 bath apartment. Although our apartment is big by NYC standards, about 1,100 square feet, but when there are 5 people + a 70 lbs dog it doesn't seem so roomy. DH's aunt and uncle arrived today and their daughter arrives tomorrow. They are staying through next Tuesday.

Then we have 2 days of no visitors before another cousin and his wife arrive on Thursday. They are both our age and when DH and I lived in the UK we went out with them a few times to dinner and lots of drinks so they will be a lot of fun to have around. They leave on Easter Sunday and the aunt, uncle and cousin come back on the same day for another 3 days.

Whew!!!

I am continuing to work on me (see previous post). Last Saturday, I treated myself to a very pricey facial at a spa in my neighborhood. It was the best facial I have ever had. Even today my eye doc complimented me on how nice my skin looked. I will be going back to get another facial in about 6-8 weeks as recommended. Since I was in the pampering mood and I have 3 weeks of relatives visiting... I booked a massage, manicure and pedicure for next Friday (Good Friday). I felt I was justified in spending the extra money since I will not be able to relax at home.

I have not been doing anything IF related except my weekly acupuncture. The new acu place is really nice and I feel really comfortable with them. I expect to be ovulating over Easter weekend and we are going to do au naturalle due to missing the cut off day for trying another IVF cycle at the clinic. We are planning to do another IVF cycle starting at the end of March. Until then, I will probably not be posting much on the IF front.

Working on me

2008-03-07T20:47:00.004-05:00

I have been absent from blogging longer than normal and I have missed keeping up with everyone.

I needed to take a little break to work on me. Working on me started when I picked up a book in one of my favorite stores after leaving my first acupuncture appt last Friday and it asked a simple question that I had no answer to:

What makes you happy?

It has been ages since I considered that question. I have spent so much time and energy trying to get pregnant with fertility treatments that I've forgotten about me. I feel as though I've let some of my friendships slid as well as other things.

I'm still working on what makes me happy besides starting a family. What I know for sure is that my husband and beautiful dog make me happy but what else? I seriously do not know.

Although I'm not slowing down with IF treatments, I must start making more time for me. Sometimes I feel as though I am losing touch with the real me.

Ramblings

2008-02-25T19:57:00.004-05:00

We finally received some good news today to offset all the bad luck that has come my way lately. I called my insurance company and after putting me on hold for over 10 minutes while researching my coverage and claims, the nice lady came back to tell me that they are going to pay the claims. Yeah!!!

As I am sitting here typing, I started having ovulation pains on my left side. That is also good news. DH and I are trying the au naturale method this cycle after a medicated cycle. Of course I am still using my trusty ovulation monitor though.

On the acupuncture front, I made an appointment at a new clinic, check out their blog. They are into getting the body and mind to work to together and provide nutritional counselling, cupping, herbal consulting, Moxabustion and tui-na at no additional cost when doing an acupuncture treatment. Honestly, at the prices they charge ($225 first visit & $115 each treatment) I should get a lot more. The other places I have gone to were only $75 and $70 per treatment. Fingers crossed that this new expensive place closes the door when I'm partially dressed with needles sticking out of my skin.

I mentioned a few months ago that my brother-in-law and his wife are pregnant again with twins and they are having girls. They recently found out the girls are paternal twins, which is suprising as that means she ovulated two eggs in one month with only one tube and no stimulation. It's amazing as she is my age and was diagnosed with HPV years ago. She knows how lucky she is and both she and my BIL are both very sensitive to our IF issues. I haven't asked what they are planning to name the girls yet. They are so lucky to have their family almost complete but I'm sure they are only thinking that they are going to have 3 babies all under two years old. That is a lot of nappies (aka diapers).

My bad luck just keeps going...

2008-02-23T16:42:00.009-05:00

Before I start on my bad luck story, I would like to thank everyone for their comments in response to my acupuncture post. On Thursday, I did try acu #2 once again and I have decided that I will NOT go back. Mostly due to the fact that the guy that works with her gave me a massage on my back to loosen my muscles and now I have bruises in the middle of my back around my spine. There is another place I am going to try next week.

Ok, now to my (really, both DH and I) bad luck...

Two weeks ago, dh went to local pharmacy to get a few things and parked in the lot behind the building. He decided to go three shops down and get cash out of the bank ATM before going into pharmacy. By the time he was in the line to pay in the pharmacy, a tow truck guy came up to him and said he was towing the car because he went to bank and pharmacy and lot was only for pharmacy parking. WHAT?! The guy then made him pay $108 in cash on the spot to get the car off the tow truck. Since our 12 year old dog was still in the car, there was no other option but to pay him. What a scam?! DH did report it to the city of New York and also to some other agency that is investigating.

One week ago, we get a $115 parking ticket in downtown while we are shopping. Due to construction there were no signs posted that it was a fire lane that we apparently parked in. Out of the three cars that were parked in front and behind us, we were the only ones that got a ticket. How fair is that?!

Early this week, DH calls me at work to say that the fraud department from our bank left a message on our home voice mail and that I need to call them straight away. Oh great...What else? Yes, unlucky me... My ATM card number and PIN have been "compromised" and over the weekend someone in Montreal, Canada has withdrawn $2,000 out of our bank account!!! Although, the bank is not going to hold us responsible for the money, it will take a few weeks to before it gets put back into our account and after we do piles of paper work. ugh.

Yesterday started off very nice with a decent 6 inches of snow and since I love snow I thought that maybe my luck would change.... Nope..... DH called me around 2pm to say that our car, which was securely parked in front of our apartment building, was hit by a department of sanitation truck and the whole front area around the wheel and the front bumper were smashed up and the tire had a huge hole in it and was flat. The sanitation truck must have slid back and sideways as 4 cars were damaged. They did leave a claim form for us. How nice of them?

Then today I received a notice from my insurance company that before they pay any of my claims (which I have already paid out of our dimished bank account) they need additional information about why the procedures were performed. Hello??? they paid all my claims last year for the same reason? Infertility!! Now that I'm paying them myself they are stalling? What the fuck?!

When is my luck going to change?

What did I do to deserve all this?

Opinions appreciated

2008-02-20T21:29:00.005-05:00

I'm requesting opinions about acupuncture. Out of all of the failures I've had with IUIs and IVFs, one of the best follie responses I had was when I did acupuncture during the 6 weeks prior to IVF. My last attempt at IVF was poor and we converted to IUI. So, last week I decided to give it another try but with a more convenient acupuncturist.

Although both claimed to specialize in fertility treatments, my new acupuncturist did things completely differently. First off she didn't request to see any medical records or anything related to previous cycles. She only asked a few questions about past attempts. Then I got undressed from the waist down and covered up in a very thin paper blanket and the guy she works with came in and made me do this weird exercise where I'm laying flat on my back and shift each hip up towards my shoulder and then the other all while he was pressing on my belly. Did I mention that I went on CD2 and I had cramps and was bloated all while he was pressing on my belly?! Then he left and she came in to do the needle work, she kept telling me how bloated I was?!! HELLO?! did I not just tell you that it was CD2? I don't think she understood.... of course I am bloated you stupid cow!! All the drama aside, when she had all the needles in (which were all up and down my legs and around the ovary/uterus area), I felt all kinds of tingling throughout where the needles were.

And I hate that I am laying on a table in the dark (with no pants on) with the door cracked open. I feel exposed and couldn't relax as much as I wanted to.

My old acupuncturist was completely different, she requested that I bring a copy of my medical records and reviewed them thoroughly with me. Some of the needle placement was the same in the belly/uterus/ovary area and on the feet and inner lower leg but not all the way up and down my legs. After she placed all the needles then she would hook some of the ones around my ovaries to a machine that sent electrical pulses through the needles. I would fall asleep every time I went. At the end, she would have me roll onto my stomach and use a heated glass globe place in the back ovary areas and only leave it on for a few seconds to stimulate them from behind.

Is this similar to anyone else's experience? Has anyone else ever had to do pelvic exercises while pressing on their tummy? What has been the areas of needle focus?

I have my second appointment with the new acupuncturist tomorrow after work and I'm curious to hear everyone else's experiences.

Confirmed - BFN

2008-02-14T19:59:00.005-05:00

Had beta this morning and it was a BFN. No suprise. What REALLY pisses me off is the fact that AF arrived about 10am. Why could it not have arrived about 4-5hours earlier so I could have slept in and not been stuck with a needle? Just my luck?!

I'm not going to dwell on why I can't seem to get all my follicles to grow much less get pregnant. So, I stopped on the way home and picked up fresh pasta and sauce and a bottle of Australian Shiraz. I'm currently on my second glass of wine, DH is working tonight so it's just me and G, the dog, having a calm relaxing valentine's day.

Thanks to everyone who wished me luck this cycle, you all make this craziness bearable.

12dpiui

2008-02-12T21:19:00.000-05:00

I did it, I POAS this morning and it was negative. I'm not suprised at all. Even though I have no symptoms of pregnancy or of AF arriving anytime soon, I wasn't suprised to see the single line. Hard to believe that in 37 years that I have never seen double lines.

Going for Beta on Thursday but it will just confirm what I already know.

Maybe one day I'll see double lines just not this cycle.

I have not done it yet

2008-02-11T22:37:00.000-05:00

DH talked me out of POAS for the past couple of days but I am going to do it tomorrow morning.

I have no signs one way or the other. In past cycles, I had cramping which apparently was the follices and ovaries shrinking back down to normal size. But I have not had anything this cycle.

I don't have anything interesting to post tonight. This post sucks.

I've been tagged - twice!!

2008-02-10T21:28:00.000-05:00

How lucky am I? Two lovely ladies tagged me, Carrie and Working Girl.

Anyway, here are the rules:
1) Link to the person who tagged you
2) Post the rules
3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself
4) Tag at least three people
5) Make sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did

1. I can NOT whistle at all. I know it's weird but it is something that has frustrated me my whole life. DH can whistle so loud that a taxi will stop 3 blocks away but I can not make a sound. I have tried and tried and nothing... I just can't.

2. I used to race cross country mountain bikes. Seventeen miles up and down rocky, muddy hills. I loved it and still have my racing bike. It's very impractical for someone living in NYC to have two bikes (three really with DH's road bike) but I have an emotional attachment to it. I have not ridden it in over two years and that was only to the park and that was amazing because the road bike guys at the park all turned to look at the cool mountain bike.

3. I was a whitewater river guide during summers at college. During a few summers during college, I lived in a tent in the middle of no where working for a outfitter that took folks down class 3 and 4 rapids. During my spare time those summers I would spend in my own kayak playing in the river. It was an amazing time in my life and although I had nothing fancy to put on my resume about those summers during undergrad, I have some AMAZING memories. Bet some of my co-workers would be so shocked that might faint if they knew.

4. I followed the Grateful Dead around the country for a few weeks after my high school graduation. I was not a hard core dead head but one of my best friends and I thought it would be fun. So we packed up a van that her dad let us borrow and had a very interesting time. I can say that the people we met were very nice and there was a nice community.

5. I sometimes have a no shower Sunday. It's not as disgusting as it sounds and I don't do it often. But sometimes I don't feel like showering so I don't. It's like backwoods camping indoors. Don't worry, I always shower before going to work.

6. About 2 years ago, I donated 10 inches of my hair to charity. It went to make wigs for women with cancer. Most folks only donate one ponytail but my hair is quite thick and my hairdresser had to separate my hair into two so that he could cut through it. Thanks Mom for the thick hair!! I had always worn my hair long but since I cut it all off, I've worn it slightly above my shoulders. I am considering growning it out again and whacking it off for charity again. Hmm...

OK, the hard part is finding folks who has not already been tagged. SO, I'm tagging Claire, jp and emilythehopeless.

Bored at 9dpiui

2008-02-09T10:27:00.000-05:00

It is 9 dpiui and I have so far refrained from POAS and currently have no symptoms. Usually after injecting so many hormones into my system my ovaries hurt as the swelling comes down and I haven't had any of that this cycle. I think it is because of the different progestrone supp. My new clinic uses prog supp that are actually pills and there is a lot less leakage. Yeah!!

Hmm... Is 10 dpiui too early to POAS?? I am thinking of breaking down tomorrow morning and just doing it. I know it is really early but I am horrible at waiting. Maybe I can wait until Monday morning? Maybe not. I don't go for my blood test until Thurs and I never go in for a blood test without testing at home first. Should I start testing now and if there is any of the HCG shot left, I could watch it fade out of my system each day? I don't know... I don't have a lot of patience.

I think I have mentioned that I have an older sister. She had a son at 30 and had to use clomid to get pregnant and he is now 11. Anyway, she was taken to the emergency room yesterday for pain and they found a HUGE cyst on her ovary. Apparently, it is the size of a baseball and causing a LOT of pain, as you could imagine. I'm always nervous when she gets sick, she is my only sibling and I don't know what I would do if something bad happened to her. See the thing is, when she had my nephew her blood pressure went sky high and she has been on heavy meds ever since to try and control it. She is not overweight but her diet is aweful and she is a very very high strung person. I worry that she will not take care of herself and something aweful will happen. She is doing ok, but is upset that she is probably going to have to have surgery and she thinks no one can do her job while she is out. She is on heavy narcotics at the moment for pain until she can get to her gyn on Monday morning but I still got frustrated on the phone with her just now and yelled and told her to stay in bed. She has a husband and two sons (18 & 11) and they should be helping her out but are sooo lazy. Frustrates and worries me.

Ok, off to the grocery store to get some wholesome foods.

Very tired

2008-02-06T21:29:00.000-05:00

Sorry, I have been an absent blogger. Work has been very crazy and by the time I get home at night, I am falling asleep eating my dinner. I have been going to bed very early around 10pm (I'm usually awake until after 11:30). I'm pretty sure it's the hormone swing from the max dosage to the nothing.

Besides being tired, things have been very pleasant here in the big apple. I have decided to start looking inside and outside the firm for another/better job. I'm in a position now that all the good and interesting work is being done in London since my entire team was laid off in November. I feel like I'm not going to go anywhere in my current position. It sucks but I'm going to make the best of a bad situation.

6 dpiui - Progestrone suppositories are disgusting.

Ugh, I'm getting a sore throat. I'm going to bed now.

Beginning 2ww and anniversaries

2008-02-01T07:11:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was an eventful day. It was our 4th wedding anniversary (which I almost forgot about) and the 3rd anniversary of TTC. Although, we didn't celebrate the second, it was like the 400lb gorilla in the room.

How romantic is it that dh got to provide a semen specimen for our 4th IUI attempt on our anniversary? This was his first time at our new clinic providing a specimen and of course he was impressed by the porn collection in the "room". There is also a recliner with a spillage pad. Our old clinic didn't have a room and requested that the specimens be brought in, but they did provide a handicap bathroom which had a do not disturb sign on it if the specimen was given on site. DH did that once and said that there was a lady waiting outside the door for him to finish. Luckily he has a very active imagination and has never had any issues and is usually done in 5-10 minutes tops.

The IUI went off without a hitch and dh's specimen was very good with 91% motility after wash. I really liked the nurse that did the IUI, she was very nice and had a good sense of humor. In the past I had always gone straight back to work but decided to lay around the rest of yesterday and took the day off. We both took long naps during the day which we never get to do and dh made a very nice healthy dinner then we watched Lost.

On the depressing work front, we had bonuses and promotions announced yesterday. I got a call from my department head in London at 7am to tell me that I didn't get promoted (although I was on the short list), didn't get an annual salary increase and that I didn't even get a 10% bonus. It just confirmed that I need to move to another group within the firm. The sub-prime mortage collapse is having a direct hit on my salary. It's depressing.

I took the day off today and I have absolutely nothing planned besides maybe a little shopping and a nap sometime this afternoon. I LOVE naps. Oh yeah, dh's acting coach bought us a book which we are both reading, The Fertility Diet. I know my diet needs some help because I eat too much sugar but with dh's help I know I can cut my intake. I am going to look for some creative ideas for some Super Bowl snacks. DH and I only watch the game for the commercials, we are wondering if his new Heinken commercial might air. Fingers crossed as it would be $$ if it did air.

Thanks to everyone for your kind words during my most recent attempt at IVF. It means the world to me.

Converting to IUI

2008-01-29T22:57:00.000-05:00

I went in for my b/w and u/s this morning and was ready to see two follies growing strong. I was not surprised with the results. My measurements were:
Right - 1 @17mm, 1 @11mm and 2 @9mm
Left - 1 @ 21mm, 2 @11mm and 1 @ 9mm

My RE called me at work this afternoon and we discussed (very discreetly in an open office) my results and options. He said he would support my decision to go forward with IVF but that my chances were the same with IUI and IVF with 2 dominant follies.

So, I am triggering tonight with insemination on Thursday. I think I am taking 1/2 Thursday and Friday off work.

I've made peace with the decision to convert to IUI and will be hopeful that dh's little swimmers will meet my eggs. I know my chances for success this cycle, but I'm still going to hope.

In limbo

2008-01-28T20:31:00.001-05:00

This morning for monitoring, my RE was doing u/s rounds and I was happy to see him. I could see on his face a bit of disappointment that my ovaries had not performed better this cycle. He wants to give the meds yet another day. My current measurements are:
Right - 1 @15mm and 3 @9mm
Left - 1 @ 17mm and 3 @ 9mm
He said the little ones still could start growing but after tomorrow if they show no growth it would be too late. If they show no growth, then we'll convert this cycle to IUI.

My RE's office called and I'm still on the same dosage of meds tonight. They are really hoping that my ovaries will produce a few more follies.

I'm not as sad and disappointed as I was yesterday. I cried off and on all day yesterday, not sobbing but just the occassional tears. If anyone knew me in non-blog world, they would be very surprised to see me like that. IF has changed me deep down to my core and I'm having a hard time being my old carefree self. I miss that person.

Maybe cancelled

2008-01-27T19:32:00.000-05:00

I still only have 2 follies growing, one is about 14mm and the other is about 15mm. They are keeping me on same meds dosage as yesterday and I go back for b/w and u/s again tomorrow before the sun rises. If results are still consistant with todays results then I will not go to retrieval.

This sucks.

I guess we will just convert to IUI but I'm not very hopeful.

Why is this cycle so bad on a protocol that is designed for poor responders? What is so different about this cycle? Is it something I did or didn't do?

DH doesn't know what to do as I have been very upset today. I had such high hopes for this cycle and they are now crushed. I will know for sure tomorrow morning which I am sure will ruin my day.

I feel so alone.

Day 7 meds

2008-01-26T22:54:00.000-05:00

Went to clinic this morning to get b/w and u/s. My E2 levels were only 118 at the last draw and for me that is low. I'm not sure what that means except that my follies are growing very slowly. I was very nervous about the u/s. I am terrified that this cycle will get cancelled or converted to an IUI.

The u/s showed my right ovary has 1 follie at 12mm and 3-4<10mm and on the left 1 follie was 13mm and 3-4 <10mm. The dr doing the u/s was hopeful that some of the others would catch up with the two already measurable. Suprisingly I did not get upset, I'm hoping estrogen protocol will works its magic and syncronize the other follies growth. Fingers crossed it does what it is suppose to do. Weird this is the slowest my follies have ever grown. Does that mean the eggs will be of better quality?

Good news is that I get to go back for an u/s everyday now.... I am a scanwhore.... I want to know exactly what is going on in there. Also, I am still on 450IU Follistim, 150 Menopur and now Ganirelix was added. I'm strung out on hormones and bloated

I went out to dinner with two of my closest girlfriends tonight. K and R (formally known as bridezilla) and R announced that she and her new husband are 'officially' going to start trying to get pregnant. I wish them luck but I may have to leave the city if she gets pregnant before me. Please, please let this cycle work for us!!

Day 5 of shots

2008-01-24T21:46:00.000-05:00

My clinic and b/w appointment this morning was uneventful. I am staying on the same dosage of drugs for the next 2 days and then FINALLY have an ultrasound and more b/w. I am going crazy not knowing how many follies I have growing.

Unfortunately work has been so busy and I got home really late so I missed the call from the clinic. Now I don't even know what my levels were this morning. I am assumming that my levels were probably not so good or they would have lowered me from max dose.

I'm going negative about this cycle already and I don't like it. I also went a little crazy on dh tonight, nothing major just a little hissy fit. After about 10 min we laughed about it. Gotta love stim drugs.

I'm getting frustrated without knowing how my follies are progressing.

Day 4 of shots

2008-01-23T23:24:00.000-05:00

No real crazy moments in this hormonal haze yet. I feel like a time bomb about to explode, but I think that is mostly due to the fact that I am so bloated I feel as though I swish when I walk. I am going in for blood work tomorrow morning to check my FSH and E2 levels. I am getting concerned that I don't have enough follies growing or that I have one huge lead follie. Here goes the emotional roller coaster...

Apologies, I have not been commenting on many blogs lately but I have been keeping up with everyone.

Oh and my dog has the worse gas ever. It's amazing the smells that can come out of a 70lbs dog. Ugh.

wow.. this post sucks.

CD2

2008-01-21T01:14:00.000-05:00

My monitoring went very well this (Sunday) morning. My antral follie count is very good, I have 5-6 on my right and 4-5 on my left. That is at least double what I started with on my last IVF cycle. I know that its not likely all will be recruited for mature follies but I can dream.

Even better news.... My FSH is at an all time low, 3.7.... I cannot believe it! My E2 was 43 but that was because of the Estrogen patches. So we started stimming drugs. I'm maxed out on 450 IU of Follistim and 150 IU of Menopur. My old RE made me take all my stim drugs in my arm as an intramuscular injection and that sucked. Luckily, my new RE ordered the Follistim pen and the Menopur is also a subcutaneous injection, this makes the shots so much easier.

Finally, DH is feeling better after all his illnesses. He rested most of the day today and has finally got his appetite back.

I'm so glad I have the day off work tomorrow because I didn't do anything today except sleep. It was very nice.

AF arrived early

2008-01-19T07:34:00.001-05:00

So, I think my reproductive system is pissed off at me. Last cycle was only 16 days and I believe that was because previous cycle was an IVF cycle. But this cycle was only 21 days and that is even short for me, according to my CBE monitor and O pains, I ovulated on CD 11. So my LP was only 10 days, which is concerning although I had an ultrasound mid-cycle that didn't show any polyps. Yes, I know I have LPD, but come on ... 21 days sucks.

Going in for day 2 monitoring tomorrow morning. Glad to start monitoring on a Sunday since this is a new clinic and I won't have to rush off to work immediately afterwards, I can take my time with nurse and drill her with questions. I'm hoping for a good antral follicle count this cycle. I would be happy with 6 - 8, but I would be over the moon with more than 8. See I am a poor responder but I'm hoping the estrogen will help with follicle recruitment this cycle. My RE is optimistic that I am still producing quality eggs and that in my last cycle my eggs were over cooked. Anyway, I'm not going to dwell on past cycles.

I am going to make sure that I get plenty of sleep and lots of protein this cycle. Unfortunately dh has been sick all last week with this cold/flu thing that has been going around. And now, he was up all last night with a stomach virus. I don't think it was anything he ate because I ate the same thing and I feel fine. He is still miserable and is having a hard time getting comfortable which is making it hard to get some sleep as he got none last night.

Ok, I'm off to get dh some tylenol pm to help him sleep and get some food for the long weekend as it is going to be very very cold (I've already checked weather.com twice this morning). I'm hoping to jazz up my blog this weekend with some photos and other fun stuff. With dh sick, I have no one to play with but the dog and he is very old and sleeps most of the day.

Guilty Pleasures

2008-01-17T22:34:00.000-05:00

I didn't want to post anything about IF today so I decided to post about my guilty pleasures... Everyone has some.

1. weather.com - can't help but check it 20 times a day to find out what is going on in the outside world

2. compressed gas duster - I'm obsessed with keeping my keyboard clean. This also goes along with an obsession I have with office supply stores

3. rice krispy treats - I could eat them all day every day. Even the snack trolley at work stops by my desk everyday when they have them. I have paid $5 for one, hey it's Manhattan.

4. shoes - can't get enough of them and have way more than can fit in my closets

5. grocery store - DH and I love to go to the grocery store and we are aisle walkers. Both our mothers took us when we were kids so I think grocery shopping started early in our lives.

6. Gene Simmons on celebrity apprentice - I have no excuses. He is suck a freakish character it is laughable.

7. photos - Love old family photos and could spend ours looking through them. The older the better.

8. looking inside people's residences - I'm no peeping tom... I like to look at the real estate section of nytimes online and look inside people's houses. If someone leaves their drapes open and I'm walking by, I'll take a peek at how they have decorated. I almost went to graduate school for architecture but changed my mind and went to a different grad school, but the fascination with architecture and design has not left.

9. having my hair brushed by someone - It's so relaxing and DH will brush my hair if he wants to watch something on TV that he knows I'm not interested in. We compromise and he brushes or combs my hair and watches his european football or depressing movies and I fall asleep.

10. chocolate - in any form...

So what are your guilty pleasures?

Here we go....

2008-01-15T20:47:00.000-05:00

All aboard... The crazy train has just pulled into the station and my ticket has just been validated. I started my estrogen patches this morning and changing every two days until AF arrives. Tomorrow starts 3 days of ganirelix. DH is in a holding pattern waiting to see if the estrogen makes me crazy or not.

He had a preview of crazy this morning.... I went off on him this morning as he was driving me to my IVF class. I had asked him a few weeks ago to check into seeing a urologist just to get more tests and opinions on his sperm. His sperm motility rate is a little below normal. It's not devastating but we agreed that he could have some more tests done and maybe there would be something he could do to get the best semen specimen possible. And.... I asked this morning if he had found a dr yet.... NO.... I sat quietly in the car for a few minutes and then thought about all the tests, bloodwork and u/s I have had and it pissed me off that he was scared to go to the 'dick doc' as he called it. I told him (loudly) to stop whining about not understanding our healthcare system and stop whining about having to go to the 'dick doc'. While I was in my class, I got an email from him that he had called his GP and got a recommendation for a dr. Now how hard was that? He is going to call for an appointment tomorrow.

Seriously, why are guys so uptight about getting their penis examined?

No matter how silly he is sometimes, I love him.

Mondays?!

2008-01-14T21:50:00.000-05:00

Mondays?! It's my least favorite day of the week (unless it is a holiday). Thank you MLK Jr for next Monday. I had completely forgotten that we have a 3 day weekend coming up. I went to schedule a meeting with some guys in Switzerland and a Brit reminded me that it was a holiday. How silly did I feel? I got over it quickly.

Tomorrow is the first estrogen patch to build up for the next IVF CD1, which is expected in the next 8 to 10 days. I'm not looking forward to the shots but I am ready to get our 2nd IVF started. I got all my drugs for this cycle on Saturday, except my dr didn't call in any P4 suppositories. I'll need to ask the nurse tomorrow. I'm going to be stimming with follistim and menopur (never used before) and I'm hoping this is a good stim drug cocktail for me. I'm aiming to outperform my last IVF attempt in which I produced 4 good sized follies but only got 2 eggs at retrieval.

DH and I had a restful weekend and on Sunday his aunt and uncle came into NY harbour on the maiden voyage of the Queen Victoria. It was very cool as all three of the British Queens were in the harbour, Queen Victoria, Queen Elizabeth II and Queen Mary II. His aunt and uncle are cruising around the world and not getting back at West Hampton port until late April. I am totally jealous, DH and I have decided that when our future children are out of college we are going to take trips like this. We may be 90 years old but it will still be a fabulous trip. Anyway, we took them out to brunch at Tribeca Grill (owned by Robert De Niro) and it was great. I really like that place. Worth going if anyone is coming to NYC.

Restaurants... I love to eat good food and there are SO many great places to eat in NYC. Some of my favorites at the moment (in no particular order):
Aspen
Bouley
Marseille
Butter
Amalia
Fig and Olive
Paradou
Applewood
Noodle Pudding

Ok, I have not done anything productive tonight except update this blog. I haven't even unloaded the dishwasher. BAD

Bad blogger

2008-01-09T18:50:00.000-05:00

Ok, I have been a bad blogger. I have no excuses, only laziness, for not updating my blog.

Since I ovulated yesterday, I will start my estrogen patches next Tuesday and Ganirelix on Wednesday. Right on time for possible retrieval by end of month. That is just around the corner. Since my cycles are short things happen fast. I'm concerned about how crazy I am going to be on the estrogen patches. I took estrogen back when I was in my early twenties because my gyn thought it would stop my midcycle spotting. The estrogen made me a crazy person.... Well, I've warned DH that I'm getting on the crazy train (I love ozzy references) and he just laughed. I didn't expect to get a laugh out of him but oh well. He's has been incredible through all this hormonal crazy mess.

My new clinic is going to start me stimming on CD2, which is going to make for a messy ultrasound on that day. Ugh. I also have to go to a class for a few hours next Tuesday from 9:30 to 11:30. I don't know what is going to take 2 hours? They said I could not skip it as I needed to know where to sign in for B/W and ultrasound on day two. But seriously, does that really take 2 hours? I know that I'm just being dramatic but I am not one of those Upper East side rich wives who does not have to work. I work with all men who have no idea that I am doing IVF or even ttc. What is worse, if they knew, legally they could not let me go, but I would not get the same high profile work assignments that I am currently getting. I don't care what anyone says, they do not treat the sexes equally in the work place. Anyway, I'm going to get creative with my excuse for missing work on Tuesday morning.

Work... I am just not into it at the moment. I find it really hard to get out of bed and drag myself into the office. With all the layoffs that happened last year there is no one from my group that works in the NYC office, only one guy and he works mainly in our CT office. I'm going to start looking else where in the firm for another position after bonuses are paid in Feb. I can't wait to move onto somthing else but I cannot change firms at the moment as I'd give up my maternity leave of 3 months full pay.

Ok, I must go and do some yoga and then eat. DH is cooking chicken korma, yummy.

New DR new hope

2008-01-04T19:58:00.000-05:00

Happy new year to everyone! I hope everyone's new year is starting off positive.

Went for my first Dr appt with my new RE, DH and I are feeling really positive after the visit. After reviewing all my medical records and stimulation reports and x-rays, etc. He did a sonogram to take a look at my follies and do a basic check of how things look inside. Good news is that he was suprised to see about 13 antral follies. He said that is much better than he expected based on the results of my past stimulation reports.

He was very positive and said that there is no reason to talk about using donor eggs as he doesn't feel like there is a reason to consider that at this point. That is the best news I've had all year... It is only the 4th day... ;-)

He said he feels a different protocol will give me better results. The clinic has had success with using Estrogen starting at the end of the cycle before starting to stim for IVF. They have used this on folks who have previously responded poorly to stim protocols. What happens is that the Estrogen keeps the FSH low at the beginning of the new cycle so that when the stim drugs are started more follies are recruited to grow and produce eggs.

He had an interesting opinion on why I only got two eggs out of my last IVF attempt when I had 4 good sized follies. With the follies so big for so many days, he thinks they were over matured and thus resulted in poor quality eggs when they were finally retrieved and that resulted in the poor quality embryo. When I told him that my previous RE stated that they will not go to ER without patient being on stims for at least 10 days, he thought that was silly as every patient is different and they shouldn't have a hard rule for everyone on time of trigger.

We were very pleased after our visit although I am going back on Monday for a few other tests. He wants to make sure that he knows the best spot to place an embryo in my uterus and he wants to double check that I don't have a small polyp as that could delay my IVF cycle start.

I'm feeling positive for the new year.

16 days?!

2007-12-31T15:20:00.000-05:00

My cycle only lasted 16 days... WTF?! Warning -- graphic AF details -- And it is a VERY heavy one. Today is CD 3 and AF has been very heavy and bright red with lots of clots for all 3 days. I have never had a cycle only last 16 days. My last cycle after IVF attempt #1 which was converted to IUI was very long.. 32 days to be exact. This sucks as I have been unusually frisky and DH and I have been enjoying ourselves. ;-)

I have an appointment with a new RE on Friday and I am hoping that I don't have uterine polyps again which can cause the short heavy cycles. OR it could be the endometrisosis returning. I'm going to be obsessing about it until Friday.

I am trying to focus on a positive new year with a new RE and new hope for a baby in '08 but I'm having a hard time at the moment.

At least I got to leave work early today. The NYPD were blocking off roads and shutting down subways stations early around my building. Since my office is not far from Times Square, I got out of there. It's madness.

Anyway, I'm going to crack into the bubbly early this year...

End of year is near

2007-12-27T21:12:00.000-05:00

First of all let me apologize for not posting or commenting as much since my failed IVF but I have been checking in on everyone's blog.

Looking back on 2007, it started with DH and I thinking we would have a baby or one on the way by this time. Wow... we were so naive. No one ever tells you it is going to be this hard. When you are in those sex ed classes, they make is seem like it is so easy to get pregnant. What do they know?! Anyway, I'm not going to dwell on this last year too long...

I have an appointment at a new clinic on Jan 4! I am looking forward to starting the new year with a new RE and team of witch doctors to try and get me pregnant with my own eggs. DH and I talked discussed all our options and we are both really stubborn and are not giving up on my old eggs yet. I know we have chosen a difficult path but I am hoping a new clinic will give me new hope. Because of this change in clinics we are going to have to pay for everything out of pocket (except meds) and the insurance company will reimburse us. This will be a strain on our budget and a nightmare to track our medical expenditures and reimbursements. I am envisioning a large complicated spreadsheet in my near future.

Anyone made any new year's resolutions? DH and I were talking today about how lazy we have gotten since we started IF treatments. We have gym memberships and have not been in 2 months. I am so ashamed of us. I have been depressed during the holidays and when I am depressed, I bake. Of course, I have been eating everything I bake because I LOVE sugar. So I know for a fact that I have put on some weight in just the last 2 weeks. I am going to finish baking everything I have the ingredients for and take it to all the guys in my office. So my resolutions are to cut out most of the sugar in my diet and eat more vegetables. I managed to cut caffeine out of my diet this year and I had thought that an impossible task but I was able to do it, so sugar can't be that hard can it? I think it is going to be much harder than caffeine but only time will tell. I am also going to start running regularly again, just running usually helps me drop weight. Fingers crossed for a successful detox from sugar.

I hope everyone is having a nice holiday season so far.

Bah Humbug

2007-12-21T22:38:00.000-05:00

I'm not feeling the holiday spirit this year. I'm not going to spend Christmas with my family this year for the first time in my life. I just don't feel like it. DH and I are spending a quiet extended weekend at home. We are having another couple over for Christmas dinner but besides that we are not doing much. DH's cousin will be here for a week starting tomorrow but she has a very long list of sites she wants to see in NYC, so we are just going to point her in the right direction and send her on her way.

January marks 3 years for us ttc and its not an anniversary we are celebrating. As I look back over the last 3 years, we were very naive going into this and now we are more cynical than hopeful. Sad but true... We just want to look at our child and see both of us in them. Is that so bad?

Over the last week, we have decided what our plan is for the next year. We are changing RE clinics and since our insurance will reimburse us for 3 more IVF attempts, we are going to continue to try for the next year and hopefully we are successful, but if not, we will discuss that at the end of 2008.

The only bright spot this last week were the courtside seats at the New Jersey Nets game on Tuesday. DH and I are not really basketball fans but who would pass up free courtside seats with VIP lounge tickets? I enjoyed a glass of wine and DH enjoyed a few beers without worrying about how it would effect our chances of ttc. It was a nice break from reality.

AF arrived

2007-12-13T17:28:00.000-05:00

AF arrived first thing this morning. This cycle is over.

Nothing more to say about it.

Thank you so much to everyone who wished me well. I can't begin to tell you how much it means to have everyone's support.

Going for beta tomorrow

2007-12-12T18:03:00.000-05:00

I've been bad... since I got my BFN on Sunday morning by POAS, I kept feeling like AF was about to arrive and did not got for BETA on Monday. Today is 16dp3dt and still no AF so DH said he was going to drag me to RE's office tomorrow morning by my hair if I didn't go myself. So I am going tomorrow. I'm still expecting a BFN but my sister and mother told me to go also and have the test done and then put this cycle behind me for good.

We had some other news on Monday night that took DH and I by complete surprise. His brother and wife called on Monday while I was at work and told DH that they are pregnant again. They have a son that will be a year old in Jan. She had a etopic pregnancy less than 4 months ago and had a tube removed. So we were completely taken by surprise when he told DH that they are expecting TWINS in are due in June!!!!

We were more than surprised..... It was like a kick in the head. We are happy for them, of course, and this couldn't be happening to a better couple, but do you know how much that fucking sucks for us to hear the day after we get a BFN... Wasn't that suppose to be our announcement? Why? Why? Why?

Why is life so cruel?

13dp3dt

2007-12-09T06:56:00.000-05:00

POAS this morning...... BFN....

Not a surprise. I'm going to have beta tomorrow to confirm.

Where do we go from here?

9dp3dt

2007-12-05T22:12:00.000-05:00

I'm having mild cramping today... My hopes are drowning.

Feeling very hormonal... I even yelled at a rude sales clerk today. I think AF is coming soon.

7dp3dt

2007-12-03T19:38:00.000-05:00

I had to go to the RE's office this morning to get a blood test. They test a week after ET for E2 and P4 levels. I was hoping that I'd get to stop the PIO injections, but no luck. I'm glad they didn't increase my current dosage. They are making me take the PIO injections in my bicep and it makes my arm sore for the whole day. I've tried massaging the injection site after the injection and that helps a bit and then at night I use a heating pad on it. Anyway, I'm whining because my hormones are out of control. I hate the 2ww.

I have stopped going to acupuncture sessions, I know I didn't give it much of a chance but honestly, I didn't see any improvement in my egg quality or number of eggs produced.

I have no pregnancy symptoms... I'm wondering how long I can hold out to POAS. I'm thinking I can make it to Saturday if AF hasn't arrived.

I would like to say a BIG thank you to everyone who has wished me good luck during this IVF cycle. I can't tell you how much it has meant to have people on my side. There aren't very many people that know we are on this IF journey. It's weird how friends respond, some friends that know just don't know what to say. Some friends try and talk about everything but this but our lives have been consumed by it.

And all the money I was spending on acupuncture, I have decided to spend that on DH and I for the holidays. I bought these cute red maryjane shoes for a holiday party....

I think I've mentioned that I have a shoe problem...

So the price of my depression is costing more every day of this long 2ww. I know the chance of Slim making it is 1 in 5. I'm hoping I can beat the odds but I'm not going to fool myself either. I've never beat the odds at anything, I've never had anything given to me easily, I've had to work extremely hard to earn everything I've ever received.

Ok, I'm rambling.....

Slim

2007-11-28T16:30:00.000-05:00

As you can imagine, I have been pretty down since Monday. With our chances of this IVF cycle resulting in a pregnancy at only 20%, DH and I are crushed.

We decided to go ahead and name our embie anyway, we are calling it Slim. There is a very slim chance that this is going to work out for us this time but we thought our little embie needed a name anyway. Of course we are hoping Slim is a slow developing fighter and is still hanging on, but we are also realistic about our chances.

One

2007-11-26T13:11:00.000-05:00

Only one made it and it is only a 5 cell with <5% fragmentation.

My chances are only around 20%.

Getting ready for ET

2007-11-26T08:49:00.000-05:00

I'm getting ready for ET this morning and I'm so nervous. Not about the procedure, I'm nervous to hear how my embies have progressed. DH is out of town on a commercial shoot and I have to go in by myself.

Please God let them have grown!

Best possible news

2007-11-24T10:29:00.000-05:00

Both eggs fertilized! I couldn't have asked for a better fert report.

Please, please, please grow embies!

Transfer is Monday at 10:30am. I'm excited, scared and cautiously optimistic. I'm hoping they are fighters and survive til transfer.

God, please let them be fighters.

Depressed

2007-11-23T18:46:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm coming out of my blur of drugs and extemely depressed They only got 2 eggs!!

How can that be? 2 eggs? 2 eggs?!

I broke down in the car leaving the hospital and dh didn't know what to do. See, I'm usually the emotional strong one and we weren't even out of the parking garage and I lost it. He stopped the car and held me but it didn't help. I made it home in an emotional haze and crawled straight back into bed with my clothes on and slept until 2pm.

Now, I'm trying to keep myself occupied with mindless movies and tv. It's not working at the moment but I'm going to try and stay sane until tomorrow at 10am when I will likely get a bad fert report. It seems like all I get is bad news...

Triggering tonight

2007-11-21T17:36:00.000-05:00

Went back for yet another u/s this morning and its official now... I'm going for ER on Friday morning. It is looking promising for 4 follies. There sizes are:
1 - 22mm
1 - 18mm
1 - 17mm
1 - 15.5mm
2-3 - 8mm (will not mature)

My favorite RE did the u/s and confirmed with the director of the clinic that I am good to go for Friday morning and they are happy with my response. They told me that any follie over 15mm could possibly have an egg so they are hopeful for 4. I've got my fingers, toes and legs crossed for 4 eggs.

I have not made it this far before so this is unchartered territory. I got all my instructions for prepping for the retrieval and I have to do two vinegar douches tomorrow night. I can't believe I have to douche, those things are aweful and always cause yeast infections. That's all I need is to get a yeast infection.

Good news... DH went with me to RE appt this morning and my fav RE said that I should take it easy until ER. So DH is doing the grocery shopping and is going to prepare Thanksgiving dinner. How lucky am I? Very lucky...

I don't know if I'll get a chance to post tomorrow because it will be crazy here and then I'm off for RE at 6:30am. Good god that is early!

Fingers crossed for a good retrieval with 4 eggs!

Tuesday follie report

2007-11-20T21:30:00.000-05:00

I was frustrated and disappointed yesterday after i saw that my one follie has burst ahead of the others and today I saw the head RE for my u/s today. He is usually a glass half empty kind of guy so I was surprised when he said that I will most likely have 4 follies for ER on Friday. He wants to see me back tomorrow morning at 7am for another u/s and I will probably get my hcg shot tomorrow.

Follie report:
1 - 21.5mm
1 - 17mm
1 - 16mm
1 - 15mm
2 - 8mm (won't mature in time)

Logistically Friday is better for me and DH. We will get to host Thanksgiving and I'll be so busy that I won't have time to fret over the anesthesia for ER. I don't like being put to sleep no matter how short of a time it is. The ER is tentatively planned for early Friday morning.

I went for acupuncture after work today and my acupuncturist was pleased to hear that I might get 4 follies to mature. I was hoping for more but all it takes is one good egg! I am trying to stay positive and not get stressed about all this but I'm a bit obsessive and cannot stop thinking about it.

Since all the layoffs at my work, I am in between managers and had to tell the head of my department in London that I am going in for some "girlie" surgery on Friday morning. I work will all men so all he said was 'ok, good luck'. Sometimes it is good to not have to explain what is going on. They are all married and know that a woman's reproductive system is delicate and never ask any questions.

Fingers crossed for a good u/s tomorrow morning. I've had to go in early for u/s a lot in the last week so, I requested DH go with me tomorrow although I make him stay in the waiting room. Misery loves company, right? He never lets me down and always goes when asked.

uh oh... follie report

2007-11-19T19:23:00.000-05:00

Had an u/s this morning. I have 4-5 follies that might be in play for this IVF attempt. The bad news is that I have one dominant follie that has reached 20mm!! The others are 15mm, 14mm, 13mm and a couple of 8mm (don't think those will catch up). I'm disappointed that the dominant follie is going to be overmature and the others may not mature in time. This is the worse case scenario, that I go in for ER and get only a few eggs and none make it to transfer.

I was worried when my least favorite RE of my clinic increased my meds on Friday. My follies don't like being maxed out on hormones. From past experience, my reproductive parts function better on less drugs!! Can they not see that?! I'm frustrated that this could be another failed attempt and I don't even make it to ER.

I am going back tomorrow morning for another follie check and they told me that I may not make it to Friday for ER, that I will probably have ER a day earlier. Yes, that means they may take my eggs on Thanksgiving morning!! I am suppose to be cooking dinner for 8 people.... DH said not to worry about cooking that he will do it. But that is not my first concern, I want my other follies to catch up with the 20mm one.

I'm very disappointed........ Not the best news to get on my 37th birthday. Happy fucking birthday to me.

Lazy Saturday

2007-11-17T20:54:00.001-05:00

Nothing much to report on the IF front. Still just chugging along on meds trying to grow some good follies. I have mostly just laid around today and tried to eat a lot of protein. Now I feel like I need to run around the block 20 times... a lot of pent up energy.

I have been putting off planning Thanksgiving dinner so far but I've run out of excuses. We are having 6 friends over for dinner on Thursday and I'm cooking. I LOVE to cook and bake so I'm looking forward to all the festivities leading up to dinner. I have a few really nice wines to go with dinner and it sucks but I'm going to have to skip the wine this year! The current schedule has me going for ER on Friday right after Thanksgiving. Oh well, priorities. DH has volunteered to find a non-alcoholic cocktail that will make me feel like I'm drinking something special too. He is the greatest :-)

Ok, I am just rambling. Off to plan Thanksgiving menu!

Friday follies

2007-11-16T16:18:00.000-05:00

So, I just chugging along on meds. My E2 doubled on the last visit, it was 72 on Wednesday. I had an u/s and blood taken this morning. And they increased my meds.
From:
225 Follistim/morning
225 Repronex/night

To:
300 Follistim/morning
300 Repronex/night
Ganirelix/night

The crazy lady is about to appear with the new level of drugs pumping through my body!! This cycle has been so much better than IVF #1 attempt, besides having a headache for a couple of days (gone now), I have felt really good physically. But that may be about to change...

So the follie report...
Right - 3 follies all 8mm
Left - 2 follies (1 - 9mm and 1 -11mm)

They are all still very close in size and the REs are happy so far. If everything keeps progressing nicely, I will go for ER next Friday the 23rd. Grow follies grow!! Five good eggs would be such a good response for me. My old ovaries are hard at work!

Fingers crossed!!

Not much else to report as I took the day off work today and Monday because I have a lot of holiday time to burn. I did a little shopping after RE appt but DH will be presently surprised that I didn't spend much money ;-) I still find myself cringing when I see the baby departments and all the adorable items. I still will not allow myself to look at any baby products, baby stores, etc. It makes disappointing news even worse if I have been planning what baby furniture I'd like, etc. So today, I walked very fast past the pregnancy clothes and baby products. But of course slowed down for the ladies shoes!!

Have I ever mentioned that I have a shoe problem?

The poor dog is looking at me with sad eyes... He needs his walk and dinner.

Good news & drama

2007-11-14T20:38:00.001-05:00

I'll start with the good news. I'm responding well to the drugs, so the RE is keeping my protocol the same for the next couple of days. My u/s showed 3 follies on right and 2 to 3 follies on my left and they are all the same size. My left ovary and follies are always hard to see, it usually involves pushing on my left side and probing with the dildocam at a 90 degree angle to see anything. Doesn't that sound comfy?! Anyway, I am happy with my 3 day stimming report. If things continue on their current track, I may be ready for ER next Friday.

After my early morning good news, my day went drastically downhill from there. I work for an investment bank that posted record losses last quarter and announced layoffs would happen... well, they happened today. My entire team was layed off, including my manager. Out of 22 there are only 7 of us left. I was extremely lucky but feel bad for everyone else. I feel guilty that I was lucky and they were not. My job is moving to the London office next year, so I guess I am just going to wait this out and then either find something else within the firm in my current location or transfer to London. I really don't want to move back until I have babies. I have been to UK hospitals run by NHS (national health service) and I want to birth all my babies in this country!! DH doesn't want to go back either, he moved here with me from London 5 years ago and he is not ready to move back yet.

In other random news, it's my nephew's 11 birthday. I was late sending his card so it hasn't arrived on time. I'm so bad with birthday cards and gifts! And I finally told my mom about the fertility treatments. I had not previously told her because, well, there are many reasons... but she was supportive and is now going to do research on what IVF entails. I forsee many phone calls with many many questons in the next week.

Exhausted

2007-11-13T20:41:00.000-05:00

The hormones are kicking into high gear. I'm exhausted and have a headache that will not go away. On top of that, I went to acupuncture today and for the first time I was very sensitive to the little pricks.

It's not even 9pm and I'm about to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and just sleep.

I must be up early tomorrow to get to the RE's office before 7am... ugh... doesn't that sound fun?!

Beginning IVF #2

2007-11-12T23:57:00.000-05:00

And so it all began this morning... I got AF on Saturday night, not to my surprise. Went to RE's office first thing this morning to see how my chances were to start IVF #2 attempt. My ovaries are pretty much asleep. My left ovary only had the beginning of one very small follie (<1mm). I'm hoping this is a good thing and they aren't too dormant. Because from past experience my ovaries are very slow, almost lazy.

The RE changed my current protocol from last time, I'm currently 225ml of Follistim in the morning and 225ml of Repronex. The hormonal beast will be coming out in time of Thanksgiving dinner!

My husband has a friend coming over from London next Wednesday for a week and luckily he is an understanding guy. If I make it to ER it would be around the time he is here.

Fingers crossed for many many follies!!

Finally...

2007-10-31T22:07:00.000-04:00

So on CD 19, I am ovulating... What is going on? My cycles are usually only 24 days at most. And whoa, it is more painful than normal. Usually I get a few pains and I know what is going on but they are tolerable. This time when I got home from work, I was doubled over with very strong pains on my right side.

When I got a sonogram on CD4 of this cycle to make sure that everything was ok, I was told that I had 5 follies on my right that looked good. Could that be why it took so long to ovulate? Could that be the reason why it is so painful? Could I seriously have more than one mature follie in a cycle that was not stimulated? I had problems getting more than 2 or 3 with lots of drugs...

I had thought that the fertility monitor was wrong when it showed me at high fertility for the last 5 days. But then on Monday my CV started getting optimal, so I thought, wow, could this really be ovulation this late? I thought I had either not O'ed or just couldn't detect the good CM due to all the BDing we've been doing while TTC naturally this month. I never thought it would occur this late. My acupuncturist said it is better that O took longer this month, she says that I am growing a better quality egg if it takes this long. I hope she is right.

I am not only having O pains but I stupidly got a flu shot at work this morning and of course now I have a low grade fever and feeling achy all over. It has been so long since I got a flu shot that I forgot how it would make me feel.

With all of the above happening, I missed the Halloween parade. Ugh. I am not going to feel like going for a run tomorrow morning. I had just started running again since before the last stimming cycle because the drugs made me exhausted. Ugh. I'm going to stay positive as it is really good news that I am finally ovulating.

I try to see the glass half full.

Not much

2007-10-23T23:27:00.000-04:00

I have not been good about posting lately. Since we are trying naturally this cycle all I am doing is using clearblue easy monitor. My O has yet to show up this cycle but my levels have been high for the last 2 days. My acupuncturist said that hopefully I am growing a good quality egg and this is why I haven't O'ed yet. Me... good quality egg... I can hope.

Nothing exciting happening in NYC at the moment. I'm hoping that everyone is staying safe in CA!

Ahhh Friday

2007-10-19T18:28:00.000-04:00

I love Fridays... knowing that I do not have to work again for 2 full days is such a relaxing thought. Work has been extremely busy and exhausting the last few days and I have been so looking forward to the weekend.

I've had 2 acupuncture appts so far. My first appt was a combination of consultation and treatment, she went over a copy of my medical file that I took and got a brief history. She had some interesting theories about my current drug treatment and response. Basically, the more drugs they have prescribed, the poorer I respond. She said that her patients with high FSH and high E2 perform better with less drugs. She also suggested that I try a clinic that a lot of her other patients use and I was a bit apprehensive about that but of course I went straight home and did some research on it. I was shocked when I read about the clinic. It is the top IVF clinic in the country and its director was part of the team which performed the first successful IVF in the US in 1981. Hmmm... I like my current RE and clinic but I'm thinking of changing, why not have the best chance possible? I need all the help I can get! So because of my acupuncturist's knowledge of IVF clinics and her previous experience, I am hopeful that her treatments can also compliment my traditional treatments.

The acupuncture needles don't bother me much, I just lay there and she puts them in my tummy (over uterus and ovaries), lower legs, feet and three in my right ear. Then she hooks up an electric current to a few of the needles on my tummy and gently shocks me for 30 min. It sounds strange, but I have fallen asleep both times.

Although I have never been a fan of country music, but the Dixie Chicks are an exception. Are they really country?? I don't think so. I recently ran across an interview with 2 of them talking about their IF struggles (http://www.celebrity-babies.com/2007/09/dixie-chicks-op.html). Both conceived through IVF and wrote a song on 'Taking The Long Way' CD called "So Hard" about it. It is definitely worth a listen if you haven't already.

I'm waiting to ovulate, which should occur this weekend. We are trying au naturale this cycle. I'm planning to be in my RE's office on day 3 of my next cycle to see if it might be good for an IVF attempt. If not, then we are going to try natural IUI, no meds as I have been ovulating on my own recently.

Ahhh... did I mention that I am so glad it is the weekend!

Irony

2007-10-15T22:09:00.000-04:00

So the RE visit went as expected. I was a poor responder to the meds and my egg quality is questionable. He mentioned using an egg donor if things don't get better. DH and I discussed it and we are not ready to go there yet. Honestly, I am not ready to stop fighting for my own eggs yet. I also got a copy of my medical tests and surgery records for my acupuncture appt tomorrow and looked at my FSH levels over the past year and they were all over the place. Coming off of BCP supression before trying IVF it was 4.1 which is not bad but I noticed that in July it was only 6.5 (without any help). Previously it has never been under 10 and one month it was 18, but besides that month it was consistantly between 12 and 14.

The irony of the entire appt was that when I told him I had been feeling really bloated and uncomfortable he did a quick sonogram to make sure everything was ok. My left ovary had no follies at all but my right has the beginnings of 5 nice looking follies and I'm not on any drugs. My RE said my ovaries looked very good, but I couldn't get past the 5 follies as I never have that many at once.

We are going to start again with my next cycle with another try at IVF. He is starting me on BioEndurance supplements to try and improve the quality of my eggs. I am also starting acupuncture tomorrow, any other homepathy remedies I can do to help my chances, I'm trying (within reason -- no snake venom or dead chickens).

Trying to stay positive but it is REALLY hard. I see babies everywhere...

My ovaries are angry

2007-10-15T11:50:00.001-04:00

To start my weekend, AF arrived late on Friday. It has been very heavy so I had very little energy all weekend (napping has become my favorite hobby). I have also been very bloated and stomach seems swollen. I think my ovaries are pissed off because of the work they have been doing.

DH and I are taking this cycle off of drugs to let my body/ovaries rest but considering how short my cycles typically are, that is only 3 1/2 weeks. We will still be using the Clearblue Easy ovulation monitor and trying naturally but that is a long shot given our history.

Our RE appt is this afternoon to discuss our failure last cycle. I am not looking forward to it but it is necessary. I'm guessing they are going to change my drug cocktail next time around and probably skip the bcp as my ovaries were too slow after that.

Will post the results of my RE visit later today.

It's official - BFN

2007-10-11T21:06:00.000-04:00

Even after I had gotten a negative HPT a few days ago, I still had not got AF.... so I started to get hopeful that the HPT was wrong. BIG mistake and a HUGE letdown. I went to RE and got BT and got the message on our voicemail last night that I'm not pregnant. I was upset and then mad that I let myself get hopeful that there was a possibility the HPT was wrong.

I still have not got AF which is starting to concern me that something is wrong. I have not had a cycle go this long since I was a teenager (and that was a long time ago). I have been dx with luteral phase defect (lpd) and high fsh, which makes for short cycles. Even with progesterone sup I only normally only go to 14 dpo and I'm already up to 16 dpo and cd30. My stomach feels gasy and I have twinges of cramps but nothing like AF cramps. I have my 'post failure consult' on Monday afternoon and if I don't see AF by then I will know something is definitely wrong.

DH was his normal fabulous self about the failed cycle. He know exactly how to just sit by me and hold my hand and let me cry (and I normally don't cry very often). This was not a good cycle for me, I felt like crap the whole time. I was rundown and felt depressed. I guess it didn't help that I couldn't produce more than 3 follies half way through and had to convert from IVF to IUI.

Where do we go from here??? My RE appointment on Monday is going to be depressing, I'm going to be told that I didn't respond well, that although my FSH was low this month my ovaries wouldn't produce more than 3 follies, etc. etc.... Nothing positive. My appt is with the 'glass half empty' RE, but he is the director of the clinic and I should be happy to get his time, but I'm not looking forward to it. This failed cycle really hit me hard, much more than the last two. DH and I discussed 'what next' and we are going to keep going and try IVF again.

I called and made an appointment with an acupuncturist/chinese herbal medicine clinic. My REs are not for or against acupuncture but told me when I started my treatment that if I thought it would help then I should do it. I have not tried it up to now, but I am going to give it six months or so to see and the Dr is highly recommended.

I have always had to work hard for everything I have ever gotten in life. I just wish this wasn't so hard.

13dpiui

2007-10-08T22:21:00.000-04:00

Well, it has been almost a week since I last posted anything. It was a busy week and weekend, I was out of town being a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding over the weekend. Don't you just hate it when you are at a wedding and people ask "do you have children?", "I heard you are trying to have a baby, just wait til you see what it does to your body?", "it's getting about time that you start a family, isn't it?" or my favorite.... "my husband just looked at me and we got pregnant".

To top off the weekend, the bride's mothers dog bit me. I'm a dog person and had even played with the dog (which is about 65lbs) the night before, but he got freaked out with having 50+ people in his house and bit me on the thigh. I called my RE today and he wants me to get a tetanus shot. Great...another shot!

I took a HPT yesterday and got a BFN. I still haven't gotten AF which is getting late for me as I usually only have 24 day cycles. Since I didn't trigger until CD13, I will probably get AF tomorrow or Wednesday. But tomorrow is bloodtest to tell me that I've had another failed attempt to have a baby. I haven't slowed down enough this cycle to get emotional but I'm sure I will be tomorrow. I am giving strict instructions to the nurse to call my home with results. I'm 99.9% sure that it will be negative but I know when I hear it from the nurse that it is final and I'll get upset.

Best I can hope for is that my next cycle I'll produce enough eggs to go through ER. I wish I knew what could make my body produce a lot of eggs. Any suggestions??

7DPIUI

2007-10-02T23:23:00.000-04:00

So feeling a bit weird in my tummy, probably just AF symptoms but its hard to tell this early. I am obsessing but can't help it but I'm trying to stay positive (not successfully). Ugh, the 2WW is the worse part of IF.

A little rant....... Sometimes I get angry and frustrated about this whole process. All the drugs, needles, appointments, probing into our sex lives, etc... why can't this be easier? I've been healthy all my life and the fact that now my reproductive system is having a hard time producing a few good eggs is hard to handle at times. I don't feel 36, almost 37, shouldn't that count for something? Sometimes I feel like I am being punished for having a career and seeing the world before a trying to start a family.

Going to try and be positive tomorrow because not feeling that way today.

6DPIUI

2007-10-01T22:42:00.000-04:00

Today is only 6 DPIUI! I was very good at staying busy this past weekend and keeping my mind off the 2WW. Now I am back to my regular schedule and have time to think about whether I'm pregnant or not. I am trying not to think about testing because I will drive myself insane.

I have no symptoms at all... I know, I know... its really early. My usual cycles are only 23-24 days total (dx with LPD) and today is CD 20, in previous IUI attempts I started feeling AF symptoms around CD 21/22. Even though I get AF symptoms around that time, when I'm using progestrone suppositories they extend my LP until around CD 26/27. The next couple of days could give me some sort of indication, although I have never ever been pregnant so who knows how my body might respond.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up but anyone who has gone through this madness knows that it is impossible not to. Ugh.. the next couple of days will be a challenge.

The Lovenox shots I am currently getting everyday are causing huge bruises on my tummy. I showed my friend, K and she was completely shocked at how colourful I was. K is also a bridesmaid in the wedding I'm participating in over the weekend and said she would help me hide from the other girls while we are getting ready. I don't want them to ask questions about the bruises. Anyone have any tips for reducing large dark purple injection site bruising?

Tomorrow is very near and I must get some rest.

Happy birthday dad

2007-09-29T07:18:00.000-04:00

It has been a few days since I last posted and there is nothing new to report on the TTC front. I have been staying busy with work and catching up on with some of my favorite shows during premiere week. A couple of new shows are looking very promising to hold my attention (Bionic Woman and Chuck). They take my mind off of IF for an hour or two and it helps during this horrible 2WW.

Most importantly, today is my dad's 66th birthday. Unfortunately, I didn't get his card in the mail until yesterday. I am a slacker when it comes to birthdays, dh has to remind me many many times when a family member has an upcoming birthday. Really, I should add these things into my crackberry like he does. I have no excuse...

I have a fairly busy day today, I need to pick up horrible bridesmaid's dyed shoes and dress from seamstress. Also planning to do some shopping with a friend for a dress for the rehearsal dinner. The wedding weather is not looking very promising, 60% chance of thundershowers, oh yeah did I mention that the wedding is outdoors?? DH cannot go to wedding as it is out of state and it is opening weekend for a play he is in. I'm totally jealous of him. I love my friend to bits but who makes their bridesmaids buy expensive silk dresses in orangy/red that they will only wear once and then make them dye shoes to match? All of us have to fly, rent hotel rooms, get rental cars, etc. so it is costing us fortunes to be her bridesmaids. Also, did I mention that the wedding is outside and they are not providing any ground cover under the tents for a black tie wedding?? Does it make sense to have a black tie wedding in a field anyway?? I hope she has a plan b since there is a big chance it might rain. Ugh... I'm whining but I think she is a bit inconsiderate of our costs (~ $1,200 total)... And that doesn't include a gift. Ok, I need to think happy thoughts or I will be in a sour mood for the wedding.

Off to cook breakfast for dh and run errands. More later...

1 DPIUI

2007-09-26T22:37:00.000-04:00

Ugh... I don't understand, I feel like I am ovulating again on my left? Maybe dh and I should do our own natural insemination? I'm sure he would be ok with trying that. From everything I have researched, it is very unusual for ovulation to occur twice in one cycle. But hey, not much about my reproductive system is 'normal'.

I haven't been able to keep busy most of the day. It's unusually quiet at work at the moment, so I spent some time researching statistics on number of eggs and chances of getting PG from my number and number of inseminations. I've got to stop doing that, I'm obsessing over it. It's tough because you want something so bad that your heart aches but your body won't cooperate. You see PG women everywhere and wonder, why not me? OK, I'm stopping now.

I try to focus on the positives in this uphill battle. I have amazing insurance that covers 4 IUI, 4 IVF cycles and all meds and all I pay is a small co-pay. I have an amazing husband who offers to go to all my appts with me (although I prefer to go alone most of the time), at the slightest hint of a teary eye he gives me a hug and was happy to take his antibotics before we started what we thought was going to be our first IVF cycle. I could go on about how wonderful he is for a long time but I won't. I know he is not perfect, no one is but he is perfect for me.

I also have some great close friends. None of them have kids yet but they try to understand and always ask how I'm doing. My sister (who was only 29 at the time) had take Clomid for 2 cycles to get pregnant with my now 11 year old nephew so she somewhat understands what I'm going through. She tries but I think doesn't want to ask too many questions. My parents know about the surgeries but don't know much else about our TTC experiences. My mom was horrified to hear after my surgery that I had ENDO, she wants me to have babies and thought that was the end. I just don't think she could handle it and would definitely say the wrong thing. Hopefully, I will have good news for them as we are doing everything medically possible.

Ok, so my post is sounding kind of sad although my day was not too bad. It is unseasonably hot here at the moment and that makes me cranky but it is suppose to get cooler this weekend. Oh yeah, something I have been obsessed about for years is the Weather Channel. AND other exciting thing for the day... the new Sex and the City movie is being filmed on the street by my office (most filming is done in the middle of the night or early in the morning).

Ok, I'm off to bed now. I still feel like I am ovulating... maybe my ovaries are just mad at me? Til tomorrow.

Better mood today

2007-09-25T20:36:00.000-04:00

My mood has been much better today than yesterday. I had my favorite RE this morning for my second insemination of this IUI cycle. Dr B is a glass half full kind of guy and told me that DH's swimmers were very good even better than yesterday. He also said that I was in the process of ovulating and my CM was optimal so the timing couldn't be better. Now, I start the fun Prog suppositories and Lovenex shots in the stomach tomorrow morning.

I've kept busy today and it has kept my mind off of the grueling 2WW that I am starting. To make myself feel better, I did a little retail therapy (dh doesn't know about it yet). So to spare my Amex, I am trying to fill the next two weeks with things to do.

I'm trying to stay positive but realistic. I would also say like to say thank you to Allison and Journey to Junior who offered encouragement and sympathy (for the dyed bridesmaids shoes...yes, very 80s).

Tomorrow is another day.

Feeling blue

2007-09-24T23:07:00.000-04:00

This morning was my first IUI insemination and hCG shot. I am not sure why but I feel lonely and sad today. Maybe because I'm coming off all the OI drugs? I even cried a few times over absolutely nothing. DH was an angel and just hugged me every time I got tears in my eyes.

My RE said that I have 2 or 3 mature follicles that will definitely produce eggs this cycle. I hope that DH's swimmers find them! I have my second insemination tomorrow morning and then the long wait begins. The next 2 weeks include Lovenox shots and Progestrone suppositories (ugh!). At least my arms get a rest from the shots. I get a bit cranky during the next two weeks watching and waiting.

My friend R is getting married on Oct 6 and I am one of the bridesmaids so I have to put on a happy face whether I feel like it or not. This is going to be a challenge given that is about two weeks away. If I start my next cycle, I am going to be very sad and depressed but if I get a BFP then I'll be so excited and will want tell my parents as they are also attending the wedding. At least it will be a distraction from my IF world and it is a child free wedding which will make it easier if I get a BFN. Ok, I am not going to think about the wedding (or the horrible dyed shoes I must wear) just yet. I need to focus on taking one day at a time.

I am definitely now ovulating, I can feel the hCG working! I am off to bed as I have an early morning insemination. Trying to stay positive.

First Post

2007-09-23T22:46:00.000-04:00

This is my first post ever, so be please be patient while I am getting my sea legs. My reason for starting this blog is to have an outlet for my thoughts, emotions, frustrations and hopefully joy on the long challenging road to having a baby.

This long challenging road started almost two years ago with my DH and I using the BBT method to try and start a family. I went to my GYN after being unsuccessufl and he referred me to an infertility clinic. In January 2007, I started having more tests than I ever thought was possible at my clinic. The first problem was 2 polyps in my uterus, one large and one small. Although my tubes appeared open my RE wanted to have a good look around while removing the polyps. So surgery and a D&C was scheduled for the beginning of April.

The surgery results were had both good and bad news. The polyps were removed but I also had endometriosis which extended into my tubes. My RE explained that all the endo was removed and my tubes were still open. After a few weeks of recovery, we are given green light to start our first cycle of IUI with OI.

I've never liked needles and DH has never been fond of them either, but he does a fabulous job of administering intramuscular shots every day. He only made me cry once and that was the first day when he nicked a blood vessel and didn't have the swab ready immediately after pulling the needle out of my arm. He has since mastered the art of giving shots.

Unfortunately, that IUI cycle was unsuccessful and so was the second IUI cycle. I produced four follicles the first cycle and only two the second cycle. The first cycle I only used 2 follistim once a day and the second cycle I used 3 follistim once a day.

Because of my age (36), my RE suggested that we start IVF. My health insurance pays for 4 IUI and 4 IVF cycles and my RE suggested that we save the 2 remaining IUI cycles incase we started IVF and needed to switch to IUI for any reason. It took a few months before we started IVF stimming due to a suppression cycle to give my ovaries a rest.

The first of September we started our IVF cycle with 3 Follistim twice a day and then switched to Repronex twice a day. My past experiences with IUI stimming had been very positive, the Follistim seemed to give me energy and I felt very good. This time I was completely exhausted and the antibotics and other meds upset my stomach. For some reason my ovaries didn't respond well either, I only got 3 follicles to mature! I was very upset but not much I could do about it. SO my IVF cycle got converted to an IUI cycle. Tomorrow morning is the first of our 2 inseminations. Fingers crossed.

It's very frustrating that I took twice the stimming meds and got better results using half the meds during an earlier IUI cycle. My RE said it just wasn't a good month for me that he expects to get a better response from me in future IVF cycles if we are unsuccessful this month with IUI.

I have tried to stay positive but realistic during this mad science experience that I'm going through but it is hard at times. I have a hard time seeing pregnant women, it makes me wonder if I can ever experience what they are experiencing. It seems so unfair.

My long challenging road continues...