Monitoring differences

This mornings monitoring was completely different from yesterday. The dr today said there were only two follies and the sizes were off as well. One was 23 and the other was 15.5 (smaller than yesterday?) but I know that the measurements are somewhat subjective. If todays measurements are correct I may only have one mature egg.

This sucks.

Suprise... maybe 3

I was pretty down yesterday about only 2 follies but had the entire day and night to come to terms with going to ER anyway. Well, this morning I went in for monitoring and another follie on my right went from 9 to 15.5 in one day. I was pleasantly shocked. The largest is now at 20mm on my left ovary and they want me to do stims one more day, the other follie is about 17mm. So I'm going back again tomorrow morning for b/w and u/s. Will most likely trigger tomorrow night and ER will be on Monday.

What a roller coaster ride these last couple of days have been? I'm ready to get off this ride and go to ER.

Thanks to everyone who responded to my last post and letting me know that I am not completely crazy. You all make me feel so much better.

Only 2

Yes, I will only have two mature follies by ER. Some people may think that I am crazy but I am going foward with ER and hopefully ET. I have one more day of injectible stims and I go back again tomorrow for b/w and u/s. Most likely, I will do hcg shot tomorrow night and ER on Sunday.

I did get to see my RE today as he was doing monitoring rounds at the clinic this morning. He asked if I wanted to go through with only two follicles and I said yes. He smiled and said ok.

I am obsessing that I am crazy to go through all the effort of ER with only two follies but what do I have to lose? Sure I will lose some $$ but not that much as my insurance pays for most procedures but we will still end up paying about $4k total. My problem is that I will reget not trying if I don't go through with it and convert to IUI. I don't want any regrets.

Am I crazy? Anyone ever heard of someone getting pregnant after only having 2 follies during IVF?

Almost there

I have been on injectible stims now for 6 days and hopefully when I go to clinic tomorrow morning I will get the clearance for trigger shot. I have felt fine until yesterday. I've now had a headache for 2 days and I started having left ovary pains today. Weird as I have never had either of those before. I'm going to try and do some yoga instead of doing my hour of cardio tonight.

My follie check yesterday was OK, I have 2 that are 14 and 11 and about 2-3 more that are around 9. Those other 2-3 hopefully are growing and will be mature by ER. If all goes well, I may go for ER Saturday or Sunday. If that is what the timeline is going to look like I will hopefully go for ET next Tuesday or Wednesday.

I'm a bit nervous about ER/ET because I have been busy and didn't slow down my activities this cycle so it's all starting to hit me at once. I hate getting put to sleep... absolutely positively hate it.

Thanks to everyone who has been checking in on me and I apologize for not posting more often. I promise to post tomorrow and give an update.

Here we go...

AF arrived yesterday and I was at clinic bright and early this morning for b/w and u/s. I have been cleared for this cycle and just took my first two clomid tablets. This is happening right now. I am taking clomid for a few days and then I add in injectibles. It is going to be interesting.

I am praying for many follies. The most I have ever produced in one cycle is 4, so my goal is 4 (more is also acceptable). I'm trying not to build up my expectations but it's hard not too.

Weirdly, I still have the remnants of two follies from a previous cycle. The dr said it was fine but I've never had that before. Why didn't it go away? And where did two come from as my last IVF attempt which converted to IUI was two cycles ago and one follie was on the left side? Hmmm. just go away and give some space up for other follies.

Ok, I have been watching the Biggest Loser while typing this post and I have been sucked in. I need a vacation to Australia.

In limbo

This morning for monitoring, my RE was doing u/s rounds and I was happy to see him. I could see on his face a bit of disappointment that my ovaries had not performed better this cycle. He wants to give the meds yet another day. My current measurements are:
Right - 1 @15mm and 3 @9mm
Left - 1 @ 17mm and 3 @ 9mm
He said the little ones still could start growing but after tomorrow if they show no growth it would be too late. If they show no growth, then we'll convert this cycle to IUI.

My RE's office called and I'm still on the same dosage of meds tonight. They are really hoping that my ovaries will produce a few more follies.

I'm not as sad and disappointed as I was yesterday. I cried off and on all day yesterday, not sobbing but just the occassional tears. If anyone knew me in non-blog world, they would be very surprised to see me like that. IF has changed me deep down to my core and I'm having a hard time being my old carefree self. I miss that person.

Day 5 of shots

My clinic and b/w appointment this morning was uneventful. I am staying on the same dosage of drugs for the next 2 days and then FINALLY have an ultrasound and more b/w. I am going crazy not knowing how many follies I have growing.

Unfortunately work has been so busy and I got home really late so I missed the call from the clinic. Now I don't even know what my levels were this morning. I am assumming that my levels were probably not so good or they would have lowered me from max dose.

I'm going negative about this cycle already and I don't like it. I also went a little crazy on dh tonight, nothing major just a little hissy fit. After about 10 min we laughed about it. Gotta love stim drugs.

I'm getting frustrated without knowing how my follies are progressing.

Day 4 of shots

No real crazy moments in this hormonal haze yet. I feel like a time bomb about to explode, but I think that is mostly due to the fact that I am so bloated I feel as though I swish when I walk. I am going in for blood work tomorrow morning to check my FSH and E2 levels. I am getting concerned that I don't have enough follies growing or that I have one huge lead follie. Here goes the emotional roller coaster...

Apologies, I have not been commenting on many blogs lately but I have been keeping up with everyone.

Oh and my dog has the worse gas ever. It's amazing the smells that can come out of a 70lbs dog. Ugh.

wow.. this post sucks.

AF arrived early

So, I think my reproductive system is pissed off at me. Last cycle was only 16 days and I believe that was because previous cycle was an IVF cycle. But this cycle was only 21 days and that is even short for me, according to my CBE monitor and O pains, I ovulated on CD 11. So my LP was only 10 days, which is concerning although I had an ultrasound mid-cycle that didn't show any polyps. Yes, I know I have LPD, but come on ... 21 days sucks.

Going in for day 2 monitoring tomorrow morning. Glad to start monitoring on a Sunday since this is a new clinic and I won't have to rush off to work immediately afterwards, I can take my time with nurse and drill her with questions. I'm hoping for a good antral follicle count this cycle. I would be happy with 6 - 8, but I would be over the moon with more than 8. See I am a poor responder but I'm hoping the estrogen will help with follicle recruitment this cycle. My RE is optimistic that I am still producing quality eggs and that in my last cycle my eggs were over cooked. Anyway, I'm not going to dwell on past cycles.

I am going to make sure that I get plenty of sleep and lots of protein this cycle. Unfortunately dh has been sick all last week with this cold/flu thing that has been going around. And now, he was up all last night with a stomach virus. I don't think it was anything he ate because I ate the same thing and I feel fine. He is still miserable and is having a hard time getting comfortable which is making it hard to get some sleep as he got none last night.

Ok, I'm off to get dh some tylenol pm to help him sleep and get some food for the long weekend as it is going to be very very cold (I've already checked weather.com twice this morning). I'm hoping to jazz up my blog this weekend with some photos and other fun stuff. With dh sick, I have no one to play with but the dog and he is very old and sleeps most of the day.

Here we go....

All aboard... The crazy train has just pulled into the station and my ticket has just been validated. I started my estrogen patches this morning and changing every two days until AF arrives. Tomorrow starts 3 days of ganirelix. DH is in a holding pattern waiting to see if the estrogen makes me crazy or not.

He had a preview of crazy this morning.... I went off on him this morning as he was driving me to my IVF class. I had asked him a few weeks ago to check into seeing a urologist just to get more tests and opinions on his sperm. His sperm motility rate is a little below normal. It's not devastating but we agreed that he could have some more tests done and maybe there would be something he could do to get the best semen specimen possible. And.... I asked this morning if he had found a dr yet.... NO.... I sat quietly in the car for a few minutes and then thought about all the tests, bloodwork and u/s I have had and it pissed me off that he was scared to go to the 'dick doc' as he called it. I told him (loudly) to stop whining about not understanding our healthcare system and stop whining about having to go to the 'dick doc'. While I was in my class, I got an email from him that he had called his GP and got a recommendation for a dr. Now how hard was that? He is going to call for an appointment tomorrow.

Seriously, why are guys so uptight about getting their penis examined?

No matter how silly he is sometimes, I love him.

Mondays?!

Mondays?! It's my least favorite day of the week (unless it is a holiday). Thank you MLK Jr for next Monday. I had completely forgotten that we have a 3 day weekend coming up. I went to schedule a meeting with some guys in Switzerland and a Brit reminded me that it was a holiday. How silly did I feel? I got over it quickly.

Tomorrow is the first estrogen patch to build up for the next IVF CD1, which is expected in the next 8 to 10 days. I'm not looking forward to the shots but I am ready to get our 2nd IVF started. I got all my drugs for this cycle on Saturday, except my dr didn't call in any P4 suppositories. I'll need to ask the nurse tomorrow. I'm going to be stimming with follistim and menopur (never used before) and I'm hoping this is a good stim drug cocktail for me. I'm aiming to outperform my last IVF attempt in which I produced 4 good sized follies but only got 2 eggs at retrieval.

DH and I had a restful weekend and on Sunday his aunt and uncle came into NY harbour on the maiden voyage of the Queen Victoria. It was very cool as all three of the British Queens were in the harbour, Queen Victoria, Queen Elizabeth II and Queen Mary II. His aunt and uncle are cruising around the world and not getting back at West Hampton port until late April. I am totally jealous, DH and I have decided that when our future children are out of college we are going to take trips like this. We may be 90 years old but it will still be a fabulous trip. Anyway, we took them out to brunch at Tribeca Grill (owned by Robert De Niro) and it was great. I really like that place. Worth going if anyone is coming to NYC.

Restaurants... I love to eat good food and there are SO many great places to eat in NYC. Some of my favorites at the moment (in no particular order):
Aspen
Bouley
Marseille
Butter
Amalia
Fig and Olive
Paradou
Applewood
Noodle Pudding

Ok, I have not done anything productive tonight except update this blog. I haven't even unloaded the dishwasher. BAD

Bad blogger

Ok, I have been a bad blogger. I have no excuses, only laziness, for not updating my blog.

Since I ovulated yesterday, I will start my estrogen patches next Tuesday and Ganirelix on Wednesday. Right on time for possible retrieval by end of month. That is just around the corner. Since my cycles are short things happen fast. I'm concerned about how crazy I am going to be on the estrogen patches. I took estrogen back when I was in my early twenties because my gyn thought it would stop my midcycle spotting. The estrogen made me a crazy person.... Well, I've warned DH that I'm getting on the crazy train (I love ozzy references) and he just laughed. I didn't expect to get a laugh out of him but oh well. He's has been incredible through all this hormonal crazy mess.

My new clinic is going to start me stimming on CD2, which is going to make for a messy ultrasound on that day. Ugh. I also have to go to a class for a few hours next Tuesday from 9:30 to 11:30. I don't know what is going to take 2 hours? They said I could not skip it as I needed to know where to sign in for B/W and ultrasound on day two. But seriously, does that really take 2 hours? I know that I'm just being dramatic but I am not one of those Upper East side rich wives who does not have to work. I work with all men who have no idea that I am doing IVF or even ttc. What is worse, if they knew, legally they could not let me go, but I would not get the same high profile work assignments that I am currently getting. I don't care what anyone says, they do not treat the sexes equally in the work place. Anyway, I'm going to get creative with my excuse for missing work on Tuesday morning.

Work... I am just not into it at the moment. I find it really hard to get out of bed and drag myself into the office. With all the layoffs that happened last year there is no one from my group that works in the NYC office, only one guy and he works mainly in our CT office. I'm going to start looking else where in the firm for another position after bonuses are paid in Feb. I can't wait to move onto somthing else but I cannot change firms at the moment as I'd give up my maternity leave of 3 months full pay.

Ok, I must go and do some yoga and then eat. DH is cooking chicken korma, yummy.

Going for beta tomorrow

I've been bad... since I got my BFN on Sunday morning by POAS, I kept feeling like AF was about to arrive and did not got for BETA on Monday. Today is 16dp3dt and still no AF so DH said he was going to drag me to RE's office tomorrow morning by my hair if I didn't go myself. So I am going tomorrow. I'm still expecting a BFN but my sister and mother told me to go also and have the test done and then put this cycle behind me for good.

We had some other news on Monday night that took DH and I by complete surprise. His brother and wife called on Monday while I was at work and told DH that they are pregnant again. They have a son that will be a year old in Jan. She had a etopic pregnancy less than 4 months ago and had a tube removed. So we were completely taken by surprise when he told DH that they are expecting TWINS in are due in June!!!!

We were more than surprised..... It was like a kick in the head. We are happy for them, of course, and this couldn't be happening to a better couple, but do you know how much that fucking sucks for us to hear the day after we get a BFN... Wasn't that suppose to be our announcement? Why? Why? Why?

Why is life so cruel?

13dp3dt

POAS this morning...... BFN....

Not a surprise. I'm going to have beta tomorrow to confirm.

Where do we go from here?

7dp3dt

I had to go to the RE's office this morning to get a blood test. They test a week after ET for E2 and P4 levels. I was hoping that I'd get to stop the PIO injections, but no luck. I'm glad they didn't increase my current dosage. They are making me take the PIO injections in my bicep and it makes my arm sore for the whole day. I've tried massaging the injection site after the injection and that helps a bit and then at night I use a heating pad on it. Anyway, I'm whining because my hormones are out of control. I hate the 2ww.

I have stopped going to acupuncture sessions, I know I didn't give it much of a chance but honestly, I didn't see any improvement in my egg quality or number of eggs produced.

I have no pregnancy symptoms... I'm wondering how long I can hold out to POAS. I'm thinking I can make it to Saturday if AF hasn't arrived.

I would like to say a BIG thank you to everyone who has wished me good luck during this IVF cycle. I can't tell you how much it has meant to have people on my side. There aren't very many people that know we are on this IF journey. It's weird how friends respond, some friends that know just don't know what to say. Some friends try and talk about everything but this but our lives have been consumed by it.

And all the money I was spending on acupuncture, I have decided to spend that on DH and I for the holidays. I bought these cute red maryjane shoes for a holiday party....















I think I've mentioned that I have a shoe problem...

So the price of my depression is costing more every day of this long 2ww. I know the chance of Slim making it is 1 in 5. I'm hoping I can beat the odds but I'm not going to fool myself either. I've never beat the odds at anything, I've never had anything given to me easily, I've had to work extremely hard to earn everything I've ever received.

Ok, I'm rambling.....

One

Only one made it and it is only a 5 cell with <5% fragmentation.

My chances are only around 20%.

Getting ready for ET

I'm getting ready for ET this morning and I'm so nervous. Not about the procedure, I'm nervous to hear how my embies have progressed. DH is out of town on a commercial shoot and I have to go in by myself.

Please God let them have grown!

Tuesday follie report

I was frustrated and disappointed yesterday after i saw that my one follie has burst ahead of the others and today I saw the head RE for my u/s today. He is usually a glass half empty kind of guy so I was surprised when he said that I will most likely have 4 follies for ER on Friday. He wants to see me back tomorrow morning at 7am for another u/s and I will probably get my hcg shot tomorrow.

Follie report:
1 - 21.5mm
1 - 17mm
1 - 16mm
1 - 15mm
2 - 8mm (won't mature in time)

Logistically Friday is better for me and DH. We will get to host Thanksgiving and I'll be so busy that I won't have time to fret over the anesthesia for ER. I don't like being put to sleep no matter how short of a time it is. The ER is tentatively planned for early Friday morning.

I went for acupuncture after work today and my acupuncturist was pleased to hear that I might get 4 follies to mature. I was hoping for more but all it takes is one good egg! I am trying to stay positive and not get stressed about all this but I'm a bit obsessive and cannot stop thinking about it.

Since all the layoffs at my work, I am in between managers and had to tell the head of my department in London that I am going in for some "girlie" surgery on Friday morning. I work will all men so all he said was 'ok, good luck'. Sometimes it is good to not have to explain what is going on. They are all married and know that a woman's reproductive system is delicate and never ask any questions.

Fingers crossed for a good u/s tomorrow morning. I've had to go in early for u/s a lot in the last week so, I requested DH go with me tomorrow although I make him stay in the waiting room. Misery loves company, right? He never lets me down and always goes when asked.

uh oh... follie report

Had an u/s this morning. I have 4-5 follies that might be in play for this IVF attempt. The bad news is that I have one dominant follie that has reached 20mm!! The others are 15mm, 14mm, 13mm and a couple of 8mm (don't think those will catch up). I'm disappointed that the dominant follie is going to be overmature and the others may not mature in time. This is the worse case scenario, that I go in for ER and get only a few eggs and none make it to transfer.

I was worried when my least favorite RE of my clinic increased my meds on Friday. My follies don't like being maxed out on hormones. From past experience, my reproductive parts function better on less drugs!! Can they not see that?! I'm frustrated that this could be another failed attempt and I don't even make it to ER.

I am going back tomorrow morning for another follie check and they told me that I may not make it to Friday for ER, that I will probably have ER a day earlier. Yes, that means they may take my eggs on Thanksgiving morning!! I am suppose to be cooking dinner for 8 people.... DH said not to worry about cooking that he will do it. But that is not my first concern, I want my other follies to catch up with the 20mm one.

I'm very disappointed........ Not the best news to get on my 37th birthday. Happy fucking birthday to me.

Ahhh Friday

I love Fridays... knowing that I do not have to work again for 2 full days is such a relaxing thought. Work has been extremely busy and exhausting the last few days and I have been so looking forward to the weekend.

I've had 2 acupuncture appts so far. My first appt was a combination of consultation and treatment, she went over a copy of my medical file that I took and got a brief history. She had some interesting theories about my current drug treatment and response. Basically, the more drugs they have prescribed, the poorer I respond. She said that her patients with high FSH and high E2 perform better with less drugs. She also suggested that I try a clinic that a lot of her other patients use and I was a bit apprehensive about that but of course I went straight home and did some research on it. I was shocked when I read about the clinic. It is the top IVF clinic in the country and its director was part of the team which performed the first successful IVF in the US in 1981. Hmmm... I like my current RE and clinic but I'm thinking of changing, why not have the best chance possible? I need all the help I can get! So because of my acupuncturist's knowledge of IVF clinics and her previous experience, I am hopeful that her treatments can also compliment my traditional treatments.

The acupuncture needles don't bother me much, I just lay there and she puts them in my tummy (over uterus and ovaries), lower legs, feet and three in my right ear. Then she hooks up an electric current to a few of the needles on my tummy and gently shocks me for 30 min. It sounds strange, but I have fallen asleep both times.

Although I have never been a fan of country music, but the Dixie Chicks are an exception. Are they really country?? I don't think so. I recently ran across an interview with 2 of them talking about their IF struggles (http://www.celebrity-babies.com/2007/09/dixie-chicks-op.html). Both conceived through IVF and wrote a song on 'Taking The Long Way' CD called "So Hard" about it. It is definitely worth a listen if you haven't already.

I'm waiting to ovulate, which should occur this weekend. We are trying au naturale this cycle. I'm planning to be in my RE's office on day 3 of my next cycle to see if it might be good for an IVF attempt. If not, then we are going to try natural IUI, no meds as I have been ovulating on my own recently.

Ahhh... did I mention that I am so glad it is the weekend!