16 days?!

My cycle only lasted 16 days... WTF?! Warning -- graphic AF details -- And it is a VERY heavy one. Today is CD 3 and AF has been very heavy and bright red with lots of clots for all 3 days. I have never had a cycle only last 16 days. My last cycle after IVF attempt #1 which was converted to IUI was very long.. 32 days to be exact. This sucks as I have been unusually frisky and DH and I have been enjoying ourselves. ;-)

I have an appointment with a new RE on Friday and I am hoping that I don't have uterine polyps again which can cause the short heavy cycles. OR it could be the endometrisosis returning. I'm going to be obsessing about it until Friday.

I am trying to focus on a positive new year with a new RE and new hope for a baby in '08 but I'm having a hard time at the moment.

At least I got to leave work early today. The NYPD were blocking off roads and shutting down subways stations early around my building. Since my office is not far from Times Square, I got out of there. It's madness.

Anyway, I'm going to crack into the bubbly early this year...

End of year is near

First of all let me apologize for not posting or commenting as much since my failed IVF but I have been checking in on everyone's blog.

Looking back on 2007, it started with DH and I thinking we would have a baby or one on the way by this time. Wow... we were so naive. No one ever tells you it is going to be this hard. When you are in those sex ed classes, they make is seem like it is so easy to get pregnant. What do they know?! Anyway, I'm not going to dwell on this last year too long...

I have an appointment at a new clinic on Jan 4! I am looking forward to starting the new year with a new RE and team of witch doctors to try and get me pregnant with my own eggs. DH and I talked discussed all our options and we are both really stubborn and are not giving up on my old eggs yet. I know we have chosen a difficult path but I am hoping a new clinic will give me new hope. Because of this change in clinics we are going to have to pay for everything out of pocket (except meds) and the insurance company will reimburse us. This will be a strain on our budget and a nightmare to track our medical expenditures and reimbursements. I am envisioning a large complicated spreadsheet in my near future.

Anyone made any new year's resolutions? DH and I were talking today about how lazy we have gotten since we started IF treatments. We have gym memberships and have not been in 2 months. I am so ashamed of us. I have been depressed during the holidays and when I am depressed, I bake. Of course, I have been eating everything I bake because I LOVE sugar. So I know for a fact that I have put on some weight in just the last 2 weeks. I am going to finish baking everything I have the ingredients for and take it to all the guys in my office. So my resolutions are to cut out most of the sugar in my diet and eat more vegetables. I managed to cut caffeine out of my diet this year and I had thought that an impossible task but I was able to do it, so sugar can't be that hard can it? I think it is going to be much harder than caffeine but only time will tell. I am also going to start running regularly again, just running usually helps me drop weight. Fingers crossed for a successful detox from sugar.

I hope everyone is having a nice holiday season so far.

Bah Humbug

I'm not feeling the holiday spirit this year. I'm not going to spend Christmas with my family this year for the first time in my life. I just don't feel like it. DH and I are spending a quiet extended weekend at home. We are having another couple over for Christmas dinner but besides that we are not doing much. DH's cousin will be here for a week starting tomorrow but she has a very long list of sites she wants to see in NYC, so we are just going to point her in the right direction and send her on her way.

January marks 3 years for us ttc and its not an anniversary we are celebrating. As I look back over the last 3 years, we were very naive going into this and now we are more cynical than hopeful. Sad but true... We just want to look at our child and see both of us in them. Is that so bad?

Over the last week, we have decided what our plan is for the next year. We are changing RE clinics and since our insurance will reimburse us for 3 more IVF attempts, we are going to continue to try for the next year and hopefully we are successful, but if not, we will discuss that at the end of 2008.

The only bright spot this last week were the courtside seats at the New Jersey Nets game on Tuesday. DH and I are not really basketball fans but who would pass up free courtside seats with VIP lounge tickets? I enjoyed a glass of wine and DH enjoyed a few beers without worrying about how it would effect our chances of ttc. It was a nice break from reality.

AF arrived

AF arrived first thing this morning. This cycle is over.

Nothing more to say about it.

Thank you so much to everyone who wished me well. I can't begin to tell you how much it means to have everyone's support.

Going for beta tomorrow

I've been bad... since I got my BFN on Sunday morning by POAS, I kept feeling like AF was about to arrive and did not got for BETA on Monday. Today is 16dp3dt and still no AF so DH said he was going to drag me to RE's office tomorrow morning by my hair if I didn't go myself. So I am going tomorrow. I'm still expecting a BFN but my sister and mother told me to go also and have the test done and then put this cycle behind me for good.

We had some other news on Monday night that took DH and I by complete surprise. His brother and wife called on Monday while I was at work and told DH that they are pregnant again. They have a son that will be a year old in Jan. She had a etopic pregnancy less than 4 months ago and had a tube removed. So we were completely taken by surprise when he told DH that they are expecting TWINS in are due in June!!!!

We were more than surprised..... It was like a kick in the head. We are happy for them, of course, and this couldn't be happening to a better couple, but do you know how much that fucking sucks for us to hear the day after we get a BFN... Wasn't that suppose to be our announcement? Why? Why? Why?

Why is life so cruel?

13dp3dt

POAS this morning...... BFN....

Not a surprise. I'm going to have beta tomorrow to confirm.

Where do we go from here?

9dp3dt

I'm having mild cramping today... My hopes are drowning.

Feeling very hormonal... I even yelled at a rude sales clerk today. I think AF is coming soon.

7dp3dt

I had to go to the RE's office this morning to get a blood test. They test a week after ET for E2 and P4 levels. I was hoping that I'd get to stop the PIO injections, but no luck. I'm glad they didn't increase my current dosage. They are making me take the PIO injections in my bicep and it makes my arm sore for the whole day. I've tried massaging the injection site after the injection and that helps a bit and then at night I use a heating pad on it. Anyway, I'm whining because my hormones are out of control. I hate the 2ww.

I have stopped going to acupuncture sessions, I know I didn't give it much of a chance but honestly, I didn't see any improvement in my egg quality or number of eggs produced.

I have no pregnancy symptoms... I'm wondering how long I can hold out to POAS. I'm thinking I can make it to Saturday if AF hasn't arrived.

I would like to say a BIG thank you to everyone who has wished me good luck during this IVF cycle. I can't tell you how much it has meant to have people on my side. There aren't very many people that know we are on this IF journey. It's weird how friends respond, some friends that know just don't know what to say. Some friends try and talk about everything but this but our lives have been consumed by it.

And all the money I was spending on acupuncture, I have decided to spend that on DH and I for the holidays. I bought these cute red maryjane shoes for a holiday party....















I think I've mentioned that I have a shoe problem...

So the price of my depression is costing more every day of this long 2ww. I know the chance of Slim making it is 1 in 5. I'm hoping I can beat the odds but I'm not going to fool myself either. I've never beat the odds at anything, I've never had anything given to me easily, I've had to work extremely hard to earn everything I've ever received.

Ok, I'm rambling.....