Monday, December 31, 2007

16 days?!

My cycle only lasted 16 days... WTF?! Warning -- graphic AF details -- And it is a VERY heavy one. Today is CD 3 and AF has been very heavy and bright red with lots of clots for all 3 days. I have never had a cycle only last 16 days. My last cycle after IVF attempt #1 which was converted to IUI was very long.. 32 days to be exact. This sucks as I have been unusually frisky and DH and I have been enjoying ourselves. ;-)

I have an appointment with a new RE on Friday and I am hoping that I don't have uterine polyps again which can cause the short heavy cycles. OR it could be the endometrisosis returning. I'm going to be obsessing about it until Friday.

I am trying to focus on a positive new year with a new RE and new hope for a baby in '08 but I'm having a hard time at the moment.

At least I got to leave work early today. The NYPD were blocking off roads and shutting down subways stations early around my building. Since my office is not far from Times Square, I got out of there. It's madness.

Anyway, I'm going to crack into the bubbly early this year...

Thursday, December 27, 2007

End of year is near

First of all let me apologize for not posting or commenting as much since my failed IVF but I have been checking in on everyone's blog.

Looking back on 2007, it started with DH and I thinking we would have a baby or one on the way by this time. Wow... we were so naive. No one ever tells you it is going to be this hard. When you are in those sex ed classes, they make is seem like it is so easy to get pregnant. What do they know?! Anyway, I'm not going to dwell on this last year too long...

I have an appointment at a new clinic on Jan 4! I am looking forward to starting the new year with a new RE and team of witch doctors to try and get me pregnant with my own eggs. DH and I talked discussed all our options and we are both really stubborn and are not giving up on my old eggs yet. I know we have chosen a difficult path but I am hoping a new clinic will give me new hope. Because of this change in clinics we are going to have to pay for everything out of pocket (except meds) and the insurance company will reimburse us. This will be a strain on our budget and a nightmare to track our medical expenditures and reimbursements. I am envisioning a large complicated spreadsheet in my near future.

Anyone made any new year's resolutions? DH and I were talking today about how lazy we have gotten since we started IF treatments. We have gym memberships and have not been in 2 months. I am so ashamed of us. I have been depressed during the holidays and when I am depressed, I bake. Of course, I have been eating everything I bake because I LOVE sugar. So I know for a fact that I have put on some weight in just the last 2 weeks. I am going to finish baking everything I have the ingredients for and take it to all the guys in my office. So my resolutions are to cut out most of the sugar in my diet and eat more vegetables. I managed to cut caffeine out of my diet this year and I had thought that an impossible task but I was able to do it, so sugar can't be that hard can it? I think it is going to be much harder than caffeine but only time will tell. I am also going to start running regularly again, just running usually helps me drop weight. Fingers crossed for a successful detox from sugar.

I hope everyone is having a nice holiday season so far.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Bah Humbug

I'm not feeling the holiday spirit this year. I'm not going to spend Christmas with my family this year for the first time in my life. I just don't feel like it. DH and I are spending a quiet extended weekend at home. We are having another couple over for Christmas dinner but besides that we are not doing much. DH's cousin will be here for a week starting tomorrow but she has a very long list of sites she wants to see in NYC, so we are just going to point her in the right direction and send her on her way.

January marks 3 years for us ttc and its not an anniversary we are celebrating. As I look back over the last 3 years, we were very naive going into this and now we are more cynical than hopeful. Sad but true... We just want to look at our child and see both of us in them. Is that so bad?

Over the last week, we have decided what our plan is for the next year. We are changing RE clinics and since our insurance will reimburse us for 3 more IVF attempts, we are going to continue to try for the next year and hopefully we are successful, but if not, we will discuss that at the end of 2008.

The only bright spot this last week were the courtside seats at the New Jersey Nets game on Tuesday. DH and I are not really basketball fans but who would pass up free courtside seats with VIP lounge tickets? I enjoyed a glass of wine and DH enjoyed a few beers without worrying about how it would effect our chances of ttc. It was a nice break from reality.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

AF arrived

AF arrived first thing this morning. This cycle is over.

Nothing more to say about it.

Thank you so much to everyone who wished me well. I can't begin to tell you how much it means to have everyone's support.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Going for beta tomorrow

I've been bad... since I got my BFN on Sunday morning by POAS, I kept feeling like AF was about to arrive and did not got for BETA on Monday. Today is 16dp3dt and still no AF so DH said he was going to drag me to RE's office tomorrow morning by my hair if I didn't go myself. So I am going tomorrow. I'm still expecting a BFN but my sister and mother told me to go also and have the test done and then put this cycle behind me for good.

We had some other news on Monday night that took DH and I by complete surprise. His brother and wife called on Monday while I was at work and told DH that they are pregnant again. They have a son that will be a year old in Jan. She had a etopic pregnancy less than 4 months ago and had a tube removed. So we were completely taken by surprise when he told DH that they are expecting TWINS in are due in June!!!!

We were more than surprised..... It was like a kick in the head. We are happy for them, of course, and this couldn't be happening to a better couple, but do you know how much that fucking sucks for us to hear the day after we get a BFN... Wasn't that suppose to be our announcement? Why? Why? Why?

Why is life so cruel?

Sunday, December 9, 2007


POAS this morning...... BFN....

Not a surprise. I'm going to have beta tomorrow to confirm.

Where do we go from here?

Wednesday, December 5, 2007


I'm having mild cramping today... My hopes are drowning.

Feeling very hormonal... I even yelled at a rude sales clerk today. I think AF is coming soon.

Monday, December 3, 2007


I had to go to the RE's office this morning to get a blood test. They test a week after ET for E2 and P4 levels. I was hoping that I'd get to stop the PIO injections, but no luck. I'm glad they didn't increase my current dosage. They are making me take the PIO injections in my bicep and it makes my arm sore for the whole day. I've tried massaging the injection site after the injection and that helps a bit and then at night I use a heating pad on it. Anyway, I'm whining because my hormones are out of control. I hate the 2ww.

I have stopped going to acupuncture sessions, I know I didn't give it much of a chance but honestly, I didn't see any improvement in my egg quality or number of eggs produced.

I have no pregnancy symptoms... I'm wondering how long I can hold out to POAS. I'm thinking I can make it to Saturday if AF hasn't arrived.

I would like to say a BIG thank you to everyone who has wished me good luck during this IVF cycle. I can't tell you how much it has meant to have people on my side. There aren't very many people that know we are on this IF journey. It's weird how friends respond, some friends that know just don't know what to say. Some friends try and talk about everything but this but our lives have been consumed by it.

And all the money I was spending on acupuncture, I have decided to spend that on DH and I for the holidays. I bought these cute red maryjane shoes for a holiday party....

I think I've mentioned that I have a shoe problem...

So the price of my depression is costing more every day of this long 2ww. I know the chance of Slim making it is 1 in 5. I'm hoping I can beat the odds but I'm not going to fool myself either. I've never beat the odds at anything, I've never had anything given to me easily, I've had to work extremely hard to earn everything I've ever received.

Ok, I'm rambling.....

Wednesday, November 28, 2007


As you can imagine, I have been pretty down since Monday. With our chances of this IVF cycle resulting in a pregnancy at only 20%, DH and I are crushed.

We decided to go ahead and name our embie anyway, we are calling it Slim. There is a very slim chance that this is going to work out for us this time but we thought our little embie needed a name anyway. Of course we are hoping Slim is a slow developing fighter and is still hanging on, but we are also realistic about our chances.

Monday, November 26, 2007


Only one made it and it is only a 5 cell with <5% fragmentation.

My chances are only around 20%.

Getting ready for ET

I'm getting ready for ET this morning and I'm so nervous. Not about the procedure, I'm nervous to hear how my embies have progressed. DH is out of town on a commercial shoot and I have to go in by myself.

Please God let them have grown!

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Best possible news

Both eggs fertilized! I couldn't have asked for a better fert report.

Please, please, please grow embies!

Transfer is Monday at 10:30am. I'm excited, scared and cautiously optimistic. I'm hoping they are fighters and survive til transfer.

God, please let them be fighters.

Friday, November 23, 2007


Well, I'm coming out of my blur of drugs and extemely depressed They only got 2 eggs!!

How can that be? 2 eggs? 2 eggs?!

I broke down in the car leaving the hospital and dh didn't know what to do. See, I'm usually the emotional strong one and we weren't even out of the parking garage and I lost it. He stopped the car and held me but it didn't help. I made it home in an emotional haze and crawled straight back into bed with my clothes on and slept until 2pm.

Now, I'm trying to keep myself occupied with mindless movies and tv. It's not working at the moment but I'm going to try and stay sane until tomorrow at 10am when I will likely get a bad fert report. It seems like all I get is bad news...

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Triggering tonight

Went back for yet another u/s this morning and its official now... I'm going for ER on Friday morning. It is looking promising for 4 follies. There sizes are:
1 - 22mm
1 - 18mm
1 - 17mm
1 - 15.5mm
2-3 - 8mm (will not mature)

My favorite RE did the u/s and confirmed with the director of the clinic that I am good to go for Friday morning and they are happy with my response. They told me that any follie over 15mm could possibly have an egg so they are hopeful for 4. I've got my fingers, toes and legs crossed for 4 eggs.

I have not made it this far before so this is unchartered territory. I got all my instructions for prepping for the retrieval and I have to do two vinegar douches tomorrow night. I can't believe I have to douche, those things are aweful and always cause yeast infections. That's all I need is to get a yeast infection.

Good news... DH went with me to RE appt this morning and my fav RE said that I should take it easy until ER. So DH is doing the grocery shopping and is going to prepare Thanksgiving dinner. How lucky am I? Very lucky...

I don't know if I'll get a chance to post tomorrow because it will be crazy here and then I'm off for RE at 6:30am. Good god that is early!

Fingers crossed for a good retrieval with 4 eggs!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Tuesday follie report

I was frustrated and disappointed yesterday after i saw that my one follie has burst ahead of the others and today I saw the head RE for my u/s today. He is usually a glass half empty kind of guy so I was surprised when he said that I will most likely have 4 follies for ER on Friday. He wants to see me back tomorrow morning at 7am for another u/s and I will probably get my hcg shot tomorrow.

Follie report:
1 - 21.5mm
1 - 17mm
1 - 16mm
1 - 15mm
2 - 8mm (won't mature in time)

Logistically Friday is better for me and DH. We will get to host Thanksgiving and I'll be so busy that I won't have time to fret over the anesthesia for ER. I don't like being put to sleep no matter how short of a time it is. The ER is tentatively planned for early Friday morning.

I went for acupuncture after work today and my acupuncturist was pleased to hear that I might get 4 follies to mature. I was hoping for more but all it takes is one good egg! I am trying to stay positive and not get stressed about all this but I'm a bit obsessive and cannot stop thinking about it.

Since all the layoffs at my work, I am in between managers and had to tell the head of my department in London that I am going in for some "girlie" surgery on Friday morning. I work will all men so all he said was 'ok, good luck'. Sometimes it is good to not have to explain what is going on. They are all married and know that a woman's reproductive system is delicate and never ask any questions.

Fingers crossed for a good u/s tomorrow morning. I've had to go in early for u/s a lot in the last week so, I requested DH go with me tomorrow although I make him stay in the waiting room. Misery loves company, right? He never lets me down and always goes when asked.

Monday, November 19, 2007

uh oh... follie report

Had an u/s this morning. I have 4-5 follies that might be in play for this IVF attempt. The bad news is that I have one dominant follie that has reached 20mm!! The others are 15mm, 14mm, 13mm and a couple of 8mm (don't think those will catch up). I'm disappointed that the dominant follie is going to be overmature and the others may not mature in time. This is the worse case scenario, that I go in for ER and get only a few eggs and none make it to transfer.

I was worried when my least favorite RE of my clinic increased my meds on Friday. My follies don't like being maxed out on hormones. From past experience, my reproductive parts function better on less drugs!! Can they not see that?! I'm frustrated that this could be another failed attempt and I don't even make it to ER.

I am going back tomorrow morning for another follie check and they told me that I may not make it to Friday for ER, that I will probably have ER a day earlier. Yes, that means they may take my eggs on Thanksgiving morning!! I am suppose to be cooking dinner for 8 people.... DH said not to worry about cooking that he will do it. But that is not my first concern, I want my other follies to catch up with the 20mm one.

I'm very disappointed........ Not the best news to get on my 37th birthday. Happy fucking birthday to me.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Lazy Saturday

Nothing much to report on the IF front. Still just chugging along on meds trying to grow some good follies. I have mostly just laid around today and tried to eat a lot of protein. Now I feel like I need to run around the block 20 times... a lot of pent up energy.

I have been putting off planning Thanksgiving dinner so far but I've run out of excuses. We are having 6 friends over for dinner on Thursday and I'm cooking. I LOVE to cook and bake so I'm looking forward to all the festivities leading up to dinner. I have a few really nice wines to go with dinner and it sucks but I'm going to have to skip the wine this year! The current schedule has me going for ER on Friday right after Thanksgiving. Oh well, priorities. DH has volunteered to find a non-alcoholic cocktail that will make me feel like I'm drinking something special too. He is the greatest :-)

Ok, I am just rambling. Off to plan Thanksgiving menu!

Friday, November 16, 2007

Friday follies

So, I just chugging along on meds. My E2 doubled on the last visit, it was 72 on Wednesday. I had an u/s and blood taken this morning. And they increased my meds.
225 Follistim/morning
225 Repronex/night

300 Follistim/morning
300 Repronex/night

The crazy lady is about to appear with the new level of drugs pumping through my body!! This cycle has been so much better than IVF #1 attempt, besides having a headache for a couple of days (gone now), I have felt really good physically. But that may be about to change...

So the follie report...
Right - 3 follies all 8mm
Left - 2 follies (1 - 9mm and 1 -11mm)

They are all still very close in size and the REs are happy so far. If everything keeps progressing nicely, I will go for ER next Friday the 23rd. Grow follies grow!! Five good eggs would be such a good response for me. My old ovaries are hard at work!

Fingers crossed!!

Not much else to report as I took the day off work today and Monday because I have a lot of holiday time to burn. I did a little shopping after RE appt but DH will be presently surprised that I didn't spend much money ;-) I still find myself cringing when I see the baby departments and all the adorable items. I still will not allow myself to look at any baby products, baby stores, etc. It makes disappointing news even worse if I have been planning what baby furniture I'd like, etc. So today, I walked very fast past the pregnancy clothes and baby products. But of course slowed down for the ladies shoes!!

Have I ever mentioned that I have a shoe problem?

The poor dog is looking at me with sad eyes... He needs his walk and dinner.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Good news & drama

I'll start with the good news. I'm responding well to the drugs, so the RE is keeping my protocol the same for the next couple of days. My u/s showed 3 follies on right and 2 to 3 follies on my left and they are all the same size. My left ovary and follies are always hard to see, it usually involves pushing on my left side and probing with the dildocam at a 90 degree angle to see anything. Doesn't that sound comfy?! Anyway, I am happy with my 3 day stimming report. If things continue on their current track, I may be ready for ER next Friday.

After my early morning good news, my day went drastically downhill from there. I work for an investment bank that posted record losses last quarter and announced layoffs would happen... well, they happened today. My entire team was layed off, including my manager. Out of 22 there are only 7 of us left. I was extremely lucky but feel bad for everyone else. I feel guilty that I was lucky and they were not. My job is moving to the London office next year, so I guess I am just going to wait this out and then either find something else within the firm in my current location or transfer to London. I really don't want to move back until I have babies. I have been to UK hospitals run by NHS (national health service) and I want to birth all my babies in this country!! DH doesn't want to go back either, he moved here with me from London 5 years ago and he is not ready to move back yet.

In other random news, it's my nephew's 11 birthday. I was late sending his card so it hasn't arrived on time. I'm so bad with birthday cards and gifts! And I finally told my mom about the fertility treatments. I had not previously told her because, well, there are many reasons... but she was supportive and is now going to do research on what IVF entails. I forsee many phone calls with many many questons in the next week.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007


The hormones are kicking into high gear. I'm exhausted and have a headache that will not go away. On top of that, I went to acupuncture today and for the first time I was very sensitive to the little pricks.

It's not even 9pm and I'm about to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and just sleep.

I must be up early tomorrow to get to the RE's office before 7am... ugh... doesn't that sound fun?!

Monday, November 12, 2007

Beginning IVF #2

And so it all began this morning... I got AF on Saturday night, not to my surprise. Went to RE's office first thing this morning to see how my chances were to start IVF #2 attempt. My ovaries are pretty much asleep. My left ovary only had the beginning of one very small follie (<1mm). I'm hoping this is a good thing and they aren't too dormant. Because from past experience my ovaries are very slow, almost lazy.

The RE changed my current protocol from last time, I'm currently 225ml of Follistim in the morning and 225ml of Repronex. The hormonal beast will be coming out in time of Thanksgiving dinner!

My husband has a friend coming over from London next Wednesday for a week and luckily he is an understanding guy. If I make it to ER it would be around the time he is here.

Fingers crossed for many many follies!!

Wednesday, October 31, 2007


So on CD 19, I am ovulating... What is going on? My cycles are usually only 24 days at most. And whoa, it is more painful than normal. Usually I get a few pains and I know what is going on but they are tolerable. This time when I got home from work, I was doubled over with very strong pains on my right side.

When I got a sonogram on CD4 of this cycle to make sure that everything was ok, I was told that I had 5 follies on my right that looked good. Could that be why it took so long to ovulate? Could that be the reason why it is so painful? Could I seriously have more than one mature follie in a cycle that was not stimulated? I had problems getting more than 2 or 3 with lots of drugs...

I had thought that the fertility monitor was wrong when it showed me at high fertility for the last 5 days. But then on Monday my CV started getting optimal, so I thought, wow, could this really be ovulation this late? I thought I had either not O'ed or just couldn't detect the good CM due to all the BDing we've been doing while TTC naturally this month. I never thought it would occur this late. My acupuncturist said it is better that O took longer this month, she says that I am growing a better quality egg if it takes this long. I hope she is right.

I am not only having O pains but I stupidly got a flu shot at work this morning and of course now I have a low grade fever and feeling achy all over. It has been so long since I got a flu shot that I forgot how it would make me feel.

With all of the above happening, I missed the Halloween parade. Ugh. I am not going to feel like going for a run tomorrow morning. I had just started running again since before the last stimming cycle because the drugs made me exhausted. Ugh. I'm going to stay positive as it is really good news that I am finally ovulating.

I try to see the glass half full.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Not much

I have not been good about posting lately. Since we are trying naturally this cycle all I am doing is using clearblue easy monitor. My O has yet to show up this cycle but my levels have been high for the last 2 days. My acupuncturist said that hopefully I am growing a good quality egg and this is why I haven't O'ed yet. Me... good quality egg... I can hope.

Nothing exciting happening in NYC at the moment. I'm hoping that everyone is staying safe in CA!

Friday, October 19, 2007

Ahhh Friday

I love Fridays... knowing that I do not have to work again for 2 full days is such a relaxing thought. Work has been extremely busy and exhausting the last few days and I have been so looking forward to the weekend.

I've had 2 acupuncture appts so far. My first appt was a combination of consultation and treatment, she went over a copy of my medical file that I took and got a brief history. She had some interesting theories about my current drug treatment and response. Basically, the more drugs they have prescribed, the poorer I respond. She said that her patients with high FSH and high E2 perform better with less drugs. She also suggested that I try a clinic that a lot of her other patients use and I was a bit apprehensive about that but of course I went straight home and did some research on it. I was shocked when I read about the clinic. It is the top IVF clinic in the country and its director was part of the team which performed the first successful IVF in the US in 1981. Hmmm... I like my current RE and clinic but I'm thinking of changing, why not have the best chance possible? I need all the help I can get! So because of my acupuncturist's knowledge of IVF clinics and her previous experience, I am hopeful that her treatments can also compliment my traditional treatments.

The acupuncture needles don't bother me much, I just lay there and she puts them in my tummy (over uterus and ovaries), lower legs, feet and three in my right ear. Then she hooks up an electric current to a few of the needles on my tummy and gently shocks me for 30 min. It sounds strange, but I have fallen asleep both times.

Although I have never been a fan of country music, but the Dixie Chicks are an exception. Are they really country?? I don't think so. I recently ran across an interview with 2 of them talking about their IF struggles ( Both conceived through IVF and wrote a song on 'Taking The Long Way' CD called "So Hard" about it. It is definitely worth a listen if you haven't already.

I'm waiting to ovulate, which should occur this weekend. We are trying au naturale this cycle. I'm planning to be in my RE's office on day 3 of my next cycle to see if it might be good for an IVF attempt. If not, then we are going to try natural IUI, no meds as I have been ovulating on my own recently.

Ahhh... did I mention that I am so glad it is the weekend!

Monday, October 15, 2007


So the RE visit went as expected. I was a poor responder to the meds and my egg quality is questionable. He mentioned using an egg donor if things don't get better. DH and I discussed it and we are not ready to go there yet. Honestly, I am not ready to stop fighting for my own eggs yet. I also got a copy of my medical tests and surgery records for my acupuncture appt tomorrow and looked at my FSH levels over the past year and they were all over the place. Coming off of BCP supression before trying IVF it was 4.1 which is not bad but I noticed that in July it was only 6.5 (without any help). Previously it has never been under 10 and one month it was 18, but besides that month it was consistantly between 12 and 14.

The irony of the entire appt was that when I told him I had been feeling really bloated and uncomfortable he did a quick sonogram to make sure everything was ok. My left ovary had no follies at all but my right has the beginnings of 5 nice looking follies and I'm not on any drugs. My RE said my ovaries looked very good, but I couldn't get past the 5 follies as I never have that many at once.

We are going to start again with my next cycle with another try at IVF. He is starting me on BioEndurance supplements to try and improve the quality of my eggs. I am also starting acupuncture tomorrow, any other homepathy remedies I can do to help my chances, I'm trying (within reason -- no snake venom or dead chickens).

Trying to stay positive but it is REALLY hard. I see babies everywhere...

My ovaries are angry

To start my weekend, AF arrived late on Friday. It has been very heavy so I had very little energy all weekend (napping has become my favorite hobby). I have also been very bloated and stomach seems swollen. I think my ovaries are pissed off because of the work they have been doing.

DH and I are taking this cycle off of drugs to let my body/ovaries rest but considering how short my cycles typically are, that is only 3 1/2 weeks. We will still be using the Clearblue Easy ovulation monitor and trying naturally but that is a long shot given our history.

Our RE appt is this afternoon to discuss our failure last cycle. I am not looking forward to it but it is necessary. I'm guessing they are going to change my drug cocktail next time around and probably skip the bcp as my ovaries were too slow after that.

Will post the results of my RE visit later today.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

It's official - BFN

Even after I had gotten a negative HPT a few days ago, I still had not got AF.... so I started to get hopeful that the HPT was wrong. BIG mistake and a HUGE letdown. I went to RE and got BT and got the message on our voicemail last night that I'm not pregnant. I was upset and then mad that I let myself get hopeful that there was a possibility the HPT was wrong.

I still have not got AF which is starting to concern me that something is wrong. I have not had a cycle go this long since I was a teenager (and that was a long time ago). I have been dx with luteral phase defect (lpd) and high fsh, which makes for short cycles. Even with progesterone sup I only normally only go to 14 dpo and I'm already up to 16 dpo and cd30. My stomach feels gasy and I have twinges of cramps but nothing like AF cramps. I have my 'post failure consult' on Monday afternoon and if I don't see AF by then I will know something is definitely wrong.

DH was his normal fabulous self about the failed cycle. He know exactly how to just sit by me and hold my hand and let me cry (and I normally don't cry very often). This was not a good cycle for me, I felt like crap the whole time. I was rundown and felt depressed. I guess it didn't help that I couldn't produce more than 3 follies half way through and had to convert from IVF to IUI.

Where do we go from here??? My RE appointment on Monday is going to be depressing, I'm going to be told that I didn't respond well, that although my FSH was low this month my ovaries wouldn't produce more than 3 follies, etc. etc.... Nothing positive. My appt is with the 'glass half empty' RE, but he is the director of the clinic and I should be happy to get his time, but I'm not looking forward to it. This failed cycle really hit me hard, much more than the last two. DH and I discussed 'what next' and we are going to keep going and try IVF again.

I called and made an appointment with an acupuncturist/chinese herbal medicine clinic. My REs are not for or against acupuncture but told me when I started my treatment that if I thought it would help then I should do it. I have not tried it up to now, but I am going to give it six months or so to see and the Dr is highly recommended.

I have always had to work hard for everything I have ever gotten in life. I just wish this wasn't so hard.

Monday, October 8, 2007


Well, it has been almost a week since I last posted anything. It was a busy week and weekend, I was out of town being a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding over the weekend. Don't you just hate it when you are at a wedding and people ask "do you have children?", "I heard you are trying to have a baby, just wait til you see what it does to your body?", "it's getting about time that you start a family, isn't it?" or my favorite.... "my husband just looked at me and we got pregnant".

To top off the weekend, the bride's mothers dog bit me. I'm a dog person and had even played with the dog (which is about 65lbs) the night before, but he got freaked out with having 50+ people in his house and bit me on the thigh. I called my RE today and he wants me to get a tetanus shot. Great...another shot!

I took a HPT yesterday and got a BFN. I still haven't gotten AF which is getting late for me as I usually only have 24 day cycles. Since I didn't trigger until CD13, I will probably get AF tomorrow or Wednesday. But tomorrow is bloodtest to tell me that I've had another failed attempt to have a baby. I haven't slowed down enough this cycle to get emotional but I'm sure I will be tomorrow. I am giving strict instructions to the nurse to call my home with results. I'm 99.9% sure that it will be negative but I know when I hear it from the nurse that it is final and I'll get upset.

Best I can hope for is that my next cycle I'll produce enough eggs to go through ER. I wish I knew what could make my body produce a lot of eggs. Any suggestions??

Tuesday, October 2, 2007


So feeling a bit weird in my tummy, probably just AF symptoms but its hard to tell this early. I am obsessing but can't help it but I'm trying to stay positive (not successfully). Ugh, the 2WW is the worse part of IF.

A little rant....... Sometimes I get angry and frustrated about this whole process. All the drugs, needles, appointments, probing into our sex lives, etc... why can't this be easier? I've been healthy all my life and the fact that now my reproductive system is having a hard time producing a few good eggs is hard to handle at times. I don't feel 36, almost 37, shouldn't that count for something? Sometimes I feel like I am being punished for having a career and seeing the world before a trying to start a family.

Going to try and be positive tomorrow because not feeling that way today.

Monday, October 1, 2007


Today is only 6 DPIUI! I was very good at staying busy this past weekend and keeping my mind off the 2WW. Now I am back to my regular schedule and have time to think about whether I'm pregnant or not. I am trying not to think about testing because I will drive myself insane.

I have no symptoms at all... I know, I know... its really early. My usual cycles are only 23-24 days total (dx with LPD) and today is CD 20, in previous IUI attempts I started feeling AF symptoms around CD 21/22. Even though I get AF symptoms around that time, when I'm using progestrone suppositories they extend my LP until around CD 26/27. The next couple of days could give me some sort of indication, although I have never ever been pregnant so who knows how my body might respond.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up but anyone who has gone through this madness knows that it is impossible not to. Ugh.. the next couple of days will be a challenge.

The Lovenox shots I am currently getting everyday are causing huge bruises on my tummy. I showed my friend, K and she was completely shocked at how colourful I was. K is also a bridesmaid in the wedding I'm participating in over the weekend and said she would help me hide from the other girls while we are getting ready. I don't want them to ask questions about the bruises. Anyone have any tips for reducing large dark purple injection site bruising?

Tomorrow is very near and I must get some rest.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Happy birthday dad

It has been a few days since I last posted and there is nothing new to report on the TTC front. I have been staying busy with work and catching up on with some of my favorite shows during premiere week. A couple of new shows are looking very promising to hold my attention (Bionic Woman and Chuck). They take my mind off of IF for an hour or two and it helps during this horrible 2WW.

Most importantly, today is my dad's 66th birthday. Unfortunately, I didn't get his card in the mail until yesterday. I am a slacker when it comes to birthdays, dh has to remind me many many times when a family member has an upcoming birthday. Really, I should add these things into my crackberry like he does. I have no excuse...

I have a fairly busy day today, I need to pick up horrible bridesmaid's dyed shoes and dress from seamstress. Also planning to do some shopping with a friend for a dress for the rehearsal dinner. The wedding weather is not looking very promising, 60% chance of thundershowers, oh yeah did I mention that the wedding is outdoors?? DH cannot go to wedding as it is out of state and it is opening weekend for a play he is in. I'm totally jealous of him. I love my friend to bits but who makes their bridesmaids buy expensive silk dresses in orangy/red that they will only wear once and then make them dye shoes to match? All of us have to fly, rent hotel rooms, get rental cars, etc. so it is costing us fortunes to be her bridesmaids. Also, did I mention that the wedding is outside and they are not providing any ground cover under the tents for a black tie wedding?? Does it make sense to have a black tie wedding in a field anyway?? I hope she has a plan b since there is a big chance it might rain. Ugh... I'm whining but I think she is a bit inconsiderate of our costs (~ $1,200 total)... And that doesn't include a gift. Ok, I need to think happy thoughts or I will be in a sour mood for the wedding.

Off to cook breakfast for dh and run errands. More later...

Wednesday, September 26, 2007


Ugh... I don't understand, I feel like I am ovulating again on my left? Maybe dh and I should do our own natural insemination? I'm sure he would be ok with trying that. From everything I have researched, it is very unusual for ovulation to occur twice in one cycle. But hey, not much about my reproductive system is 'normal'.

I haven't been able to keep busy most of the day. It's unusually quiet at work at the moment, so I spent some time researching statistics on number of eggs and chances of getting PG from my number and number of inseminations. I've got to stop doing that, I'm obsessing over it. It's tough because you want something so bad that your heart aches but your body won't cooperate. You see PG women everywhere and wonder, why not me? OK, I'm stopping now.

I try to focus on the positives in this uphill battle. I have amazing insurance that covers 4 IUI, 4 IVF cycles and all meds and all I pay is a small co-pay. I have an amazing husband who offers to go to all my appts with me (although I prefer to go alone most of the time), at the slightest hint of a teary eye he gives me a hug and was happy to take his antibotics before we started what we thought was going to be our first IVF cycle. I could go on about how wonderful he is for a long time but I won't. I know he is not perfect, no one is but he is perfect for me.

I also have some great close friends. None of them have kids yet but they try to understand and always ask how I'm doing. My sister (who was only 29 at the time) had take Clomid for 2 cycles to get pregnant with my now 11 year old nephew so she somewhat understands what I'm going through. She tries but I think doesn't want to ask too many questions. My parents know about the surgeries but don't know much else about our TTC experiences. My mom was horrified to hear after my surgery that I had ENDO, she wants me to have babies and thought that was the end. I just don't think she could handle it and would definitely say the wrong thing. Hopefully, I will have good news for them as we are doing everything medically possible.

Ok, so my post is sounding kind of sad although my day was not too bad. It is unseasonably hot here at the moment and that makes me cranky but it is suppose to get cooler this weekend. Oh yeah, something I have been obsessed about for years is the Weather Channel. AND other exciting thing for the day... the new Sex and the City movie is being filmed on the street by my office (most filming is done in the middle of the night or early in the morning).

Ok, I'm off to bed now. I still feel like I am ovulating... maybe my ovaries are just mad at me? Til tomorrow.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Better mood today

My mood has been much better today than yesterday. I had my favorite RE this morning for my second insemination of this IUI cycle. Dr B is a glass half full kind of guy and told me that DH's swimmers were very good even better than yesterday. He also said that I was in the process of ovulating and my CM was optimal so the timing couldn't be better. Now, I start the fun Prog suppositories and Lovenex shots in the stomach tomorrow morning.

I've kept busy today and it has kept my mind off of the grueling 2WW that I am starting. To make myself feel better, I did a little retail therapy (dh doesn't know about it yet). So to spare my Amex, I am trying to fill the next two weeks with things to do.

I'm trying to stay positive but realistic. I would also say like to say thank you to Allison and Journey to Junior who offered encouragement and sympathy (for the dyed bridesmaids shoes...yes, very 80s).

Tomorrow is another day.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Feeling blue

This morning was my first IUI insemination and hCG shot. I am not sure why but I feel lonely and sad today. Maybe because I'm coming off all the OI drugs? I even cried a few times over absolutely nothing. DH was an angel and just hugged me every time I got tears in my eyes.

My RE said that I have 2 or 3 mature follicles that will definitely produce eggs this cycle. I hope that DH's swimmers find them! I have my second insemination tomorrow morning and then the long wait begins. The next 2 weeks include Lovenox shots and Progestrone suppositories (ugh!). At least my arms get a rest from the shots. I get a bit cranky during the next two weeks watching and waiting.

My friend R is getting married on Oct 6 and I am one of the bridesmaids so I have to put on a happy face whether I feel like it or not. This is going to be a challenge given that is about two weeks away. If I start my next cycle, I am going to be very sad and depressed but if I get a BFP then I'll be so excited and will want tell my parents as they are also attending the wedding. At least it will be a distraction from my IF world and it is a child free wedding which will make it easier if I get a BFN. Ok, I am not going to think about the wedding (or the horrible dyed shoes I must wear) just yet. I need to focus on taking one day at a time.

I am definitely now ovulating, I can feel the hCG working! I am off to bed as I have an early morning insemination. Trying to stay positive.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

First Post

This is my first post ever, so be please be patient while I am getting my sea legs. My reason for starting this blog is to have an outlet for my thoughts, emotions, frustrations and hopefully joy on the long challenging road to having a baby.

This long challenging road started almost two years ago with my DH and I using the BBT method to try and start a family. I went to my GYN after being unsuccessufl and he referred me to an infertility clinic. In January 2007, I started having more tests than I ever thought was possible at my clinic. The first problem was 2 polyps in my uterus, one large and one small. Although my tubes appeared open my RE wanted to have a good look around while removing the polyps. So surgery and a D&C was scheduled for the beginning of April.

The surgery results were had both good and bad news. The polyps were removed but I also had endometriosis which extended into my tubes. My RE explained that all the endo was removed and my tubes were still open. After a few weeks of recovery, we are given green light to start our first cycle of IUI with OI.

I've never liked needles and DH has never been fond of them either, but he does a fabulous job of administering intramuscular shots every day. He only made me cry once and that was the first day when he nicked a blood vessel and didn't have the swab ready immediately after pulling the needle out of my arm. He has since mastered the art of giving shots.

Unfortunately, that IUI cycle was unsuccessful and so was the second IUI cycle. I produced four follicles the first cycle and only two the second cycle. The first cycle I only used 2 follistim once a day and the second cycle I used 3 follistim once a day.

Because of my age (36), my RE suggested that we start IVF. My health insurance pays for 4 IUI and 4 IVF cycles and my RE suggested that we save the 2 remaining IUI cycles incase we started IVF and needed to switch to IUI for any reason. It took a few months before we started IVF stimming due to a suppression cycle to give my ovaries a rest.

The first of September we started our IVF cycle with 3 Follistim twice a day and then switched to Repronex twice a day. My past experiences with IUI stimming had been very positive, the Follistim seemed to give me energy and I felt very good. This time I was completely exhausted and the antibotics and other meds upset my stomach. For some reason my ovaries didn't respond well either, I only got 3 follicles to mature! I was very upset but not much I could do about it. SO my IVF cycle got converted to an IUI cycle. Tomorrow morning is the first of our 2 inseminations. Fingers crossed.

It's very frustrating that I took twice the stimming meds and got better results using half the meds during an earlier IUI cycle. My RE said it just wasn't a good month for me that he expects to get a better response from me in future IVF cycles if we are unsuccessful this month with IUI.

I have tried to stay positive but realistic during this mad science experience that I'm going through but it is hard at times. I have a hard time seeing pregnant women, it makes me wonder if I can ever experience what they are experiencing. It seems so unfair.

My long challenging road continues...