Slim

As you can imagine, I have been pretty down since Monday. With our chances of this IVF cycle resulting in a pregnancy at only 20%, DH and I are crushed.

We decided to go ahead and name our embie anyway, we are calling it Slim. There is a very slim chance that this is going to work out for us this time but we thought our little embie needed a name anyway. Of course we are hoping Slim is a slow developing fighter and is still hanging on, but we are also realistic about our chances.

One

Only one made it and it is only a 5 cell with <5% fragmentation.

My chances are only around 20%.

Getting ready for ET

I'm getting ready for ET this morning and I'm so nervous. Not about the procedure, I'm nervous to hear how my embies have progressed. DH is out of town on a commercial shoot and I have to go in by myself.

Please God let them have grown!

Best possible news

Both eggs fertilized! I couldn't have asked for a better fert report.

Please, please, please grow embies!

Transfer is Monday at 10:30am. I'm excited, scared and cautiously optimistic. I'm hoping they are fighters and survive til transfer.

God, please let them be fighters.

Depressed

Well, I'm coming out of my blur of drugs and extemely depressed They only got 2 eggs!!

How can that be? 2 eggs? 2 eggs?!

I broke down in the car leaving the hospital and dh didn't know what to do. See, I'm usually the emotional strong one and we weren't even out of the parking garage and I lost it. He stopped the car and held me but it didn't help. I made it home in an emotional haze and crawled straight back into bed with my clothes on and slept until 2pm.

Now, I'm trying to keep myself occupied with mindless movies and tv. It's not working at the moment but I'm going to try and stay sane until tomorrow at 10am when I will likely get a bad fert report. It seems like all I get is bad news...

Triggering tonight

Went back for yet another u/s this morning and its official now... I'm going for ER on Friday morning. It is looking promising for 4 follies. There sizes are:
1 - 22mm
1 - 18mm
1 - 17mm
1 - 15.5mm
2-3 - 8mm (will not mature)

My favorite RE did the u/s and confirmed with the director of the clinic that I am good to go for Friday morning and they are happy with my response. They told me that any follie over 15mm could possibly have an egg so they are hopeful for 4. I've got my fingers, toes and legs crossed for 4 eggs.

I have not made it this far before so this is unchartered territory. I got all my instructions for prepping for the retrieval and I have to do two vinegar douches tomorrow night. I can't believe I have to douche, those things are aweful and always cause yeast infections. That's all I need is to get a yeast infection.

Good news... DH went with me to RE appt this morning and my fav RE said that I should take it easy until ER. So DH is doing the grocery shopping and is going to prepare Thanksgiving dinner. How lucky am I? Very lucky...

I don't know if I'll get a chance to post tomorrow because it will be crazy here and then I'm off for RE at 6:30am. Good god that is early!

Fingers crossed for a good retrieval with 4 eggs!

Tuesday follie report

I was frustrated and disappointed yesterday after i saw that my one follie has burst ahead of the others and today I saw the head RE for my u/s today. He is usually a glass half empty kind of guy so I was surprised when he said that I will most likely have 4 follies for ER on Friday. He wants to see me back tomorrow morning at 7am for another u/s and I will probably get my hcg shot tomorrow.

Follie report:
1 - 21.5mm
1 - 17mm
1 - 16mm
1 - 15mm
2 - 8mm (won't mature in time)

Logistically Friday is better for me and DH. We will get to host Thanksgiving and I'll be so busy that I won't have time to fret over the anesthesia for ER. I don't like being put to sleep no matter how short of a time it is. The ER is tentatively planned for early Friday morning.

I went for acupuncture after work today and my acupuncturist was pleased to hear that I might get 4 follies to mature. I was hoping for more but all it takes is one good egg! I am trying to stay positive and not get stressed about all this but I'm a bit obsessive and cannot stop thinking about it.

Since all the layoffs at my work, I am in between managers and had to tell the head of my department in London that I am going in for some "girlie" surgery on Friday morning. I work will all men so all he said was 'ok, good luck'. Sometimes it is good to not have to explain what is going on. They are all married and know that a woman's reproductive system is delicate and never ask any questions.

Fingers crossed for a good u/s tomorrow morning. I've had to go in early for u/s a lot in the last week so, I requested DH go with me tomorrow although I make him stay in the waiting room. Misery loves company, right? He never lets me down and always goes when asked.

uh oh... follie report

Had an u/s this morning. I have 4-5 follies that might be in play for this IVF attempt. The bad news is that I have one dominant follie that has reached 20mm!! The others are 15mm, 14mm, 13mm and a couple of 8mm (don't think those will catch up). I'm disappointed that the dominant follie is going to be overmature and the others may not mature in time. This is the worse case scenario, that I go in for ER and get only a few eggs and none make it to transfer.

I was worried when my least favorite RE of my clinic increased my meds on Friday. My follies don't like being maxed out on hormones. From past experience, my reproductive parts function better on less drugs!! Can they not see that?! I'm frustrated that this could be another failed attempt and I don't even make it to ER.

I am going back tomorrow morning for another follie check and they told me that I may not make it to Friday for ER, that I will probably have ER a day earlier. Yes, that means they may take my eggs on Thanksgiving morning!! I am suppose to be cooking dinner for 8 people.... DH said not to worry about cooking that he will do it. But that is not my first concern, I want my other follies to catch up with the 20mm one.

I'm very disappointed........ Not the best news to get on my 37th birthday. Happy fucking birthday to me.

Lazy Saturday

Nothing much to report on the IF front. Still just chugging along on meds trying to grow some good follies. I have mostly just laid around today and tried to eat a lot of protein. Now I feel like I need to run around the block 20 times... a lot of pent up energy.

I have been putting off planning Thanksgiving dinner so far but I've run out of excuses. We are having 6 friends over for dinner on Thursday and I'm cooking. I LOVE to cook and bake so I'm looking forward to all the festivities leading up to dinner. I have a few really nice wines to go with dinner and it sucks but I'm going to have to skip the wine this year! The current schedule has me going for ER on Friday right after Thanksgiving. Oh well, priorities. DH has volunteered to find a non-alcoholic cocktail that will make me feel like I'm drinking something special too. He is the greatest :-)

Ok, I am just rambling. Off to plan Thanksgiving menu!

Friday follies

So, I just chugging along on meds. My E2 doubled on the last visit, it was 72 on Wednesday. I had an u/s and blood taken this morning. And they increased my meds.
From:
225 Follistim/morning
225 Repronex/night

To:
300 Follistim/morning
300 Repronex/night
Ganirelix/night

The crazy lady is about to appear with the new level of drugs pumping through my body!! This cycle has been so much better than IVF #1 attempt, besides having a headache for a couple of days (gone now), I have felt really good physically. But that may be about to change...

So the follie report...
Right - 3 follies all 8mm
Left - 2 follies (1 - 9mm and 1 -11mm)

They are all still very close in size and the REs are happy so far. If everything keeps progressing nicely, I will go for ER next Friday the 23rd. Grow follies grow!! Five good eggs would be such a good response for me. My old ovaries are hard at work!

Fingers crossed!!

Not much else to report as I took the day off work today and Monday because I have a lot of holiday time to burn. I did a little shopping after RE appt but DH will be presently surprised that I didn't spend much money ;-) I still find myself cringing when I see the baby departments and all the adorable items. I still will not allow myself to look at any baby products, baby stores, etc. It makes disappointing news even worse if I have been planning what baby furniture I'd like, etc. So today, I walked very fast past the pregnancy clothes and baby products. But of course slowed down for the ladies shoes!!

Have I ever mentioned that I have a shoe problem?

The poor dog is looking at me with sad eyes... He needs his walk and dinner.

Good news & drama

I'll start with the good news. I'm responding well to the drugs, so the RE is keeping my protocol the same for the next couple of days. My u/s showed 3 follies on right and 2 to 3 follies on my left and they are all the same size. My left ovary and follies are always hard to see, it usually involves pushing on my left side and probing with the dildocam at a 90 degree angle to see anything. Doesn't that sound comfy?! Anyway, I am happy with my 3 day stimming report. If things continue on their current track, I may be ready for ER next Friday.

After my early morning good news, my day went drastically downhill from there. I work for an investment bank that posted record losses last quarter and announced layoffs would happen... well, they happened today. My entire team was layed off, including my manager. Out of 22 there are only 7 of us left. I was extremely lucky but feel bad for everyone else. I feel guilty that I was lucky and they were not. My job is moving to the London office next year, so I guess I am just going to wait this out and then either find something else within the firm in my current location or transfer to London. I really don't want to move back until I have babies. I have been to UK hospitals run by NHS (national health service) and I want to birth all my babies in this country!! DH doesn't want to go back either, he moved here with me from London 5 years ago and he is not ready to move back yet.

In other random news, it's my nephew's 11 birthday. I was late sending his card so it hasn't arrived on time. I'm so bad with birthday cards and gifts! And I finally told my mom about the fertility treatments. I had not previously told her because, well, there are many reasons... but she was supportive and is now going to do research on what IVF entails. I forsee many phone calls with many many questons in the next week.

Exhausted

The hormones are kicking into high gear. I'm exhausted and have a headache that will not go away. On top of that, I went to acupuncture today and for the first time I was very sensitive to the little pricks.

It's not even 9pm and I'm about to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and just sleep.

I must be up early tomorrow to get to the RE's office before 7am... ugh... doesn't that sound fun?!

Beginning IVF #2

And so it all began this morning... I got AF on Saturday night, not to my surprise. Went to RE's office first thing this morning to see how my chances were to start IVF #2 attempt. My ovaries are pretty much asleep. My left ovary only had the beginning of one very small follie (<1mm). I'm hoping this is a good thing and they aren't too dormant. Because from past experience my ovaries are very slow, almost lazy.

The RE changed my current protocol from last time, I'm currently 225ml of Follistim in the morning and 225ml of Repronex. The hormonal beast will be coming out in time of Thanksgiving dinner!

My husband has a friend coming over from London next Wednesday for a week and luckily he is an understanding guy. If I make it to ER it would be around the time he is here.

Fingers crossed for many many follies!!