End of year is near

First of all let me apologize for not posting or commenting as much since my failed IVF but I have been checking in on everyone's blog.

Looking back on 2007, it started with DH and I thinking we would have a baby or one on the way by this time. Wow... we were so naive. No one ever tells you it is going to be this hard. When you are in those sex ed classes, they make is seem like it is so easy to get pregnant. What do they know?! Anyway, I'm not going to dwell on this last year too long...

I have an appointment at a new clinic on Jan 4! I am looking forward to starting the new year with a new RE and team of witch doctors to try and get me pregnant with my own eggs. DH and I talked discussed all our options and we are both really stubborn and are not giving up on my old eggs yet. I know we have chosen a difficult path but I am hoping a new clinic will give me new hope. Because of this change in clinics we are going to have to pay for everything out of pocket (except meds) and the insurance company will reimburse us. This will be a strain on our budget and a nightmare to track our medical expenditures and reimbursements. I am envisioning a large complicated spreadsheet in my near future.

Anyone made any new year's resolutions? DH and I were talking today about how lazy we have gotten since we started IF treatments. We have gym memberships and have not been in 2 months. I am so ashamed of us. I have been depressed during the holidays and when I am depressed, I bake. Of course, I have been eating everything I bake because I LOVE sugar. So I know for a fact that I have put on some weight in just the last 2 weeks. I am going to finish baking everything I have the ingredients for and take it to all the guys in my office. So my resolutions are to cut out most of the sugar in my diet and eat more vegetables. I managed to cut caffeine out of my diet this year and I had thought that an impossible task but I was able to do it, so sugar can't be that hard can it? I think it is going to be much harder than caffeine but only time will tell. I am also going to start running regularly again, just running usually helps me drop weight. Fingers crossed for a successful detox from sugar.

I hope everyone is having a nice holiday season so far.

Bah Humbug

I'm not feeling the holiday spirit this year. I'm not going to spend Christmas with my family this year for the first time in my life. I just don't feel like it. DH and I are spending a quiet extended weekend at home. We are having another couple over for Christmas dinner but besides that we are not doing much. DH's cousin will be here for a week starting tomorrow but she has a very long list of sites she wants to see in NYC, so we are just going to point her in the right direction and send her on her way.

January marks 3 years for us ttc and its not an anniversary we are celebrating. As I look back over the last 3 years, we were very naive going into this and now we are more cynical than hopeful. Sad but true... We just want to look at our child and see both of us in them. Is that so bad?

Over the last week, we have decided what our plan is for the next year. We are changing RE clinics and since our insurance will reimburse us for 3 more IVF attempts, we are going to continue to try for the next year and hopefully we are successful, but if not, we will discuss that at the end of 2008.

The only bright spot this last week were the courtside seats at the New Jersey Nets game on Tuesday. DH and I are not really basketball fans but who would pass up free courtside seats with VIP lounge tickets? I enjoyed a glass of wine and DH enjoyed a few beers without worrying about how it would effect our chances of ttc. It was a nice break from reality.

AF arrived

AF arrived first thing this morning. This cycle is over.

Nothing more to say about it.

Thank you so much to everyone who wished me well. I can't begin to tell you how much it means to have everyone's support.

Going for beta tomorrow

I've been bad... since I got my BFN on Sunday morning by POAS, I kept feeling like AF was about to arrive and did not got for BETA on Monday. Today is 16dp3dt and still no AF so DH said he was going to drag me to RE's office tomorrow morning by my hair if I didn't go myself. So I am going tomorrow. I'm still expecting a BFN but my sister and mother told me to go also and have the test done and then put this cycle behind me for good.

We had some other news on Monday night that took DH and I by complete surprise. His brother and wife called on Monday while I was at work and told DH that they are pregnant again. They have a son that will be a year old in Jan. She had a etopic pregnancy less than 4 months ago and had a tube removed. So we were completely taken by surprise when he told DH that they are expecting TWINS in are due in June!!!!

We were more than surprised..... It was like a kick in the head. We are happy for them, of course, and this couldn't be happening to a better couple, but do you know how much that fucking sucks for us to hear the day after we get a BFN... Wasn't that suppose to be our announcement? Why? Why? Why?

Why is life so cruel?

13dp3dt

POAS this morning...... BFN....

Not a surprise. I'm going to have beta tomorrow to confirm.

Where do we go from here?

9dp3dt

I'm having mild cramping today... My hopes are drowning.

Feeling very hormonal... I even yelled at a rude sales clerk today. I think AF is coming soon.

7dp3dt

I had to go to the RE's office this morning to get a blood test. They test a week after ET for E2 and P4 levels. I was hoping that I'd get to stop the PIO injections, but no luck. I'm glad they didn't increase my current dosage. They are making me take the PIO injections in my bicep and it makes my arm sore for the whole day. I've tried massaging the injection site after the injection and that helps a bit and then at night I use a heating pad on it. Anyway, I'm whining because my hormones are out of control. I hate the 2ww.

I have stopped going to acupuncture sessions, I know I didn't give it much of a chance but honestly, I didn't see any improvement in my egg quality or number of eggs produced.

I have no pregnancy symptoms... I'm wondering how long I can hold out to POAS. I'm thinking I can make it to Saturday if AF hasn't arrived.

I would like to say a BIG thank you to everyone who has wished me good luck during this IVF cycle. I can't tell you how much it has meant to have people on my side. There aren't very many people that know we are on this IF journey. It's weird how friends respond, some friends that know just don't know what to say. Some friends try and talk about everything but this but our lives have been consumed by it.

And all the money I was spending on acupuncture, I have decided to spend that on DH and I for the holidays. I bought these cute red maryjane shoes for a holiday party....















I think I've mentioned that I have a shoe problem...

So the price of my depression is costing more every day of this long 2ww. I know the chance of Slim making it is 1 in 5. I'm hoping I can beat the odds but I'm not going to fool myself either. I've never beat the odds at anything, I've never had anything given to me easily, I've had to work extremely hard to earn everything I've ever received.

Ok, I'm rambling.....

Slim

As you can imagine, I have been pretty down since Monday. With our chances of this IVF cycle resulting in a pregnancy at only 20%, DH and I are crushed.

We decided to go ahead and name our embie anyway, we are calling it Slim. There is a very slim chance that this is going to work out for us this time but we thought our little embie needed a name anyway. Of course we are hoping Slim is a slow developing fighter and is still hanging on, but we are also realistic about our chances.

One

Only one made it and it is only a 5 cell with <5% fragmentation.

My chances are only around 20%.

Getting ready for ET

I'm getting ready for ET this morning and I'm so nervous. Not about the procedure, I'm nervous to hear how my embies have progressed. DH is out of town on a commercial shoot and I have to go in by myself.

Please God let them have grown!

Best possible news

Both eggs fertilized! I couldn't have asked for a better fert report.

Please, please, please grow embies!

Transfer is Monday at 10:30am. I'm excited, scared and cautiously optimistic. I'm hoping they are fighters and survive til transfer.

God, please let them be fighters.

Depressed

Well, I'm coming out of my blur of drugs and extemely depressed They only got 2 eggs!!

How can that be? 2 eggs? 2 eggs?!

I broke down in the car leaving the hospital and dh didn't know what to do. See, I'm usually the emotional strong one and we weren't even out of the parking garage and I lost it. He stopped the car and held me but it didn't help. I made it home in an emotional haze and crawled straight back into bed with my clothes on and slept until 2pm.

Now, I'm trying to keep myself occupied with mindless movies and tv. It's not working at the moment but I'm going to try and stay sane until tomorrow at 10am when I will likely get a bad fert report. It seems like all I get is bad news...

Triggering tonight

Went back for yet another u/s this morning and its official now... I'm going for ER on Friday morning. It is looking promising for 4 follies. There sizes are:
1 - 22mm
1 - 18mm
1 - 17mm
1 - 15.5mm
2-3 - 8mm (will not mature)

My favorite RE did the u/s and confirmed with the director of the clinic that I am good to go for Friday morning and they are happy with my response. They told me that any follie over 15mm could possibly have an egg so they are hopeful for 4. I've got my fingers, toes and legs crossed for 4 eggs.

I have not made it this far before so this is unchartered territory. I got all my instructions for prepping for the retrieval and I have to do two vinegar douches tomorrow night. I can't believe I have to douche, those things are aweful and always cause yeast infections. That's all I need is to get a yeast infection.

Good news... DH went with me to RE appt this morning and my fav RE said that I should take it easy until ER. So DH is doing the grocery shopping and is going to prepare Thanksgiving dinner. How lucky am I? Very lucky...

I don't know if I'll get a chance to post tomorrow because it will be crazy here and then I'm off for RE at 6:30am. Good god that is early!

Fingers crossed for a good retrieval with 4 eggs!

Tuesday follie report

I was frustrated and disappointed yesterday after i saw that my one follie has burst ahead of the others and today I saw the head RE for my u/s today. He is usually a glass half empty kind of guy so I was surprised when he said that I will most likely have 4 follies for ER on Friday. He wants to see me back tomorrow morning at 7am for another u/s and I will probably get my hcg shot tomorrow.

Follie report:
1 - 21.5mm
1 - 17mm
1 - 16mm
1 - 15mm
2 - 8mm (won't mature in time)

Logistically Friday is better for me and DH. We will get to host Thanksgiving and I'll be so busy that I won't have time to fret over the anesthesia for ER. I don't like being put to sleep no matter how short of a time it is. The ER is tentatively planned for early Friday morning.

I went for acupuncture after work today and my acupuncturist was pleased to hear that I might get 4 follies to mature. I was hoping for more but all it takes is one good egg! I am trying to stay positive and not get stressed about all this but I'm a bit obsessive and cannot stop thinking about it.

Since all the layoffs at my work, I am in between managers and had to tell the head of my department in London that I am going in for some "girlie" surgery on Friday morning. I work will all men so all he said was 'ok, good luck'. Sometimes it is good to not have to explain what is going on. They are all married and know that a woman's reproductive system is delicate and never ask any questions.

Fingers crossed for a good u/s tomorrow morning. I've had to go in early for u/s a lot in the last week so, I requested DH go with me tomorrow although I make him stay in the waiting room. Misery loves company, right? He never lets me down and always goes when asked.

uh oh... follie report

Had an u/s this morning. I have 4-5 follies that might be in play for this IVF attempt. The bad news is that I have one dominant follie that has reached 20mm!! The others are 15mm, 14mm, 13mm and a couple of 8mm (don't think those will catch up). I'm disappointed that the dominant follie is going to be overmature and the others may not mature in time. This is the worse case scenario, that I go in for ER and get only a few eggs and none make it to transfer.

I was worried when my least favorite RE of my clinic increased my meds on Friday. My follies don't like being maxed out on hormones. From past experience, my reproductive parts function better on less drugs!! Can they not see that?! I'm frustrated that this could be another failed attempt and I don't even make it to ER.

I am going back tomorrow morning for another follie check and they told me that I may not make it to Friday for ER, that I will probably have ER a day earlier. Yes, that means they may take my eggs on Thanksgiving morning!! I am suppose to be cooking dinner for 8 people.... DH said not to worry about cooking that he will do it. But that is not my first concern, I want my other follies to catch up with the 20mm one.

I'm very disappointed........ Not the best news to get on my 37th birthday. Happy fucking birthday to me.

Lazy Saturday

Nothing much to report on the IF front. Still just chugging along on meds trying to grow some good follies. I have mostly just laid around today and tried to eat a lot of protein. Now I feel like I need to run around the block 20 times... a lot of pent up energy.

I have been putting off planning Thanksgiving dinner so far but I've run out of excuses. We are having 6 friends over for dinner on Thursday and I'm cooking. I LOVE to cook and bake so I'm looking forward to all the festivities leading up to dinner. I have a few really nice wines to go with dinner and it sucks but I'm going to have to skip the wine this year! The current schedule has me going for ER on Friday right after Thanksgiving. Oh well, priorities. DH has volunteered to find a non-alcoholic cocktail that will make me feel like I'm drinking something special too. He is the greatest :-)

Ok, I am just rambling. Off to plan Thanksgiving menu!

Friday follies

So, I just chugging along on meds. My E2 doubled on the last visit, it was 72 on Wednesday. I had an u/s and blood taken this morning. And they increased my meds.
From:
225 Follistim/morning
225 Repronex/night

To:
300 Follistim/morning
300 Repronex/night
Ganirelix/night

The crazy lady is about to appear with the new level of drugs pumping through my body!! This cycle has been so much better than IVF #1 attempt, besides having a headache for a couple of days (gone now), I have felt really good physically. But that may be about to change...

So the follie report...
Right - 3 follies all 8mm
Left - 2 follies (1 - 9mm and 1 -11mm)

They are all still very close in size and the REs are happy so far. If everything keeps progressing nicely, I will go for ER next Friday the 23rd. Grow follies grow!! Five good eggs would be such a good response for me. My old ovaries are hard at work!

Fingers crossed!!

Not much else to report as I took the day off work today and Monday because I have a lot of holiday time to burn. I did a little shopping after RE appt but DH will be presently surprised that I didn't spend much money ;-) I still find myself cringing when I see the baby departments and all the adorable items. I still will not allow myself to look at any baby products, baby stores, etc. It makes disappointing news even worse if I have been planning what baby furniture I'd like, etc. So today, I walked very fast past the pregnancy clothes and baby products. But of course slowed down for the ladies shoes!!

Have I ever mentioned that I have a shoe problem?

The poor dog is looking at me with sad eyes... He needs his walk and dinner.

Good news & drama

I'll start with the good news. I'm responding well to the drugs, so the RE is keeping my protocol the same for the next couple of days. My u/s showed 3 follies on right and 2 to 3 follies on my left and they are all the same size. My left ovary and follies are always hard to see, it usually involves pushing on my left side and probing with the dildocam at a 90 degree angle to see anything. Doesn't that sound comfy?! Anyway, I am happy with my 3 day stimming report. If things continue on their current track, I may be ready for ER next Friday.

After my early morning good news, my day went drastically downhill from there. I work for an investment bank that posted record losses last quarter and announced layoffs would happen... well, they happened today. My entire team was layed off, including my manager. Out of 22 there are only 7 of us left. I was extremely lucky but feel bad for everyone else. I feel guilty that I was lucky and they were not. My job is moving to the London office next year, so I guess I am just going to wait this out and then either find something else within the firm in my current location or transfer to London. I really don't want to move back until I have babies. I have been to UK hospitals run by NHS (national health service) and I want to birth all my babies in this country!! DH doesn't want to go back either, he moved here with me from London 5 years ago and he is not ready to move back yet.

In other random news, it's my nephew's 11 birthday. I was late sending his card so it hasn't arrived on time. I'm so bad with birthday cards and gifts! And I finally told my mom about the fertility treatments. I had not previously told her because, well, there are many reasons... but she was supportive and is now going to do research on what IVF entails. I forsee many phone calls with many many questons in the next week.

Exhausted

The hormones are kicking into high gear. I'm exhausted and have a headache that will not go away. On top of that, I went to acupuncture today and for the first time I was very sensitive to the little pricks.

It's not even 9pm and I'm about to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and just sleep.

I must be up early tomorrow to get to the RE's office before 7am... ugh... doesn't that sound fun?!

Beginning IVF #2

And so it all began this morning... I got AF on Saturday night, not to my surprise. Went to RE's office first thing this morning to see how my chances were to start IVF #2 attempt. My ovaries are pretty much asleep. My left ovary only had the beginning of one very small follie (<1mm). I'm hoping this is a good thing and they aren't too dormant. Because from past experience my ovaries are very slow, almost lazy.

The RE changed my current protocol from last time, I'm currently 225ml of Follistim in the morning and 225ml of Repronex. The hormonal beast will be coming out in time of Thanksgiving dinner!

My husband has a friend coming over from London next Wednesday for a week and luckily he is an understanding guy. If I make it to ER it would be around the time he is here.

Fingers crossed for many many follies!!